You know what would make a really nice addition to my life right now? Some consistency.
Not consistency in my surroundings, the people around me, or my living situation. That's all stable enough. Consistency with my emotions.
Right now, I'm in a really good place, emotionally. I have felt quite genuinely happy all day. And last night I felt this good as well. Throughout the day yesterday, I felt fine. Not exactly good, but fine. But Monday night through to Wednesday morning, I felt awful.
I didn't want to go to uni. At all. I was really dreading it and getting quite anxious. It was very reminiscent of the way I would most nights & mornings in Year 12. I'd be happy that I was finally home and I'd chill out, do some homework etc. and then I'd think about the next day and fall apart. The fact that I'd been feeling like that this week was distressing to me. I don't want to end up back there. And yes, I keep telling myself things like, "Just go. It'll be fine when you get there. Every other day has been fine and you've gotten through them," and generally, it's true.
It wasn't so true for Tuesday. It was just a yuck day. I felt yuck all day. Yuck because I'm slowly recovering from a cold and yuck because I just felt cruddy. I didn't want to be there at all and nothing there really changed my mind.
All I've really felt like doing lately is sleeping. I have trouble getting to sleep at night and extreme difficulty waking up in the morning. It's not great. Because of this and my cold, I've fallen waaay behind in any kind of exercising. I've been walking, but that's about it. I can't run at the moment cause of my legs, but I'm going to see the Physio soon to get that sorted. Strength workouts have barely been in my mind. I'm not motivated enough yet. I think once I can run again and my cold goes away and my sleeping gets better, I'll do more. I hope so, anyway.
~This is now being written on Friday; before this was written on Thursday~
Yesterday stayed really good. We went grocery shopping (weird, I know, but I find it fun...) and then had dinner out as a family and it was really nice.
Today I had to wake up at 5:30, in the pitch dark, to leave the house at 6:45 to go to uni. Usually I encounter pretty bad traffic, but today there was none. I got to uni early and in a great mood. I really enjoy driving. If it's not super busy and in an area I know and has pretty scenery and I have my music, I'm really happy driving. My day of classes was fine, and then I wrote my assignment for 1.5 hours in the library and drove home.
I drove a very long, round-a-bout way home. It took me an hour instead of 20-30 minutes. I drove through the last two suburbs I lived in. It was really nice. I was driving past all the places I used to go as a kid, where we used to shop, where we used to go for walks, my old school and my last house. It was extremely nostalgic.
I did learn, however, that I need to think of those many memories fondly, but not with sadness. I need to stop wishing I had those times back or wishing that I could live back there instead of here. I mean, those times weren't perfect. And the times here aren't all bad.
I started thinking back to school and I felt... kinda sad for my past self. I don't know why exactly. I think things could have been easier for me if we had realised my anxiety issues earlier, because I'm almost certain I've had this anxiety for many years. Probably the majority of my life. I think it would have made many aspects of high school easier if I'd learnt strategies to deal with it all.
I don't really know what I felt. I thought about life. Deep stuff.
I mean, it can be so touch sometimes. Some days, it's too hard and I'll get to the end of the day and feel some relief that the day has ended, and I just think about the next day and just cannot deal with the fact that another day is coming. Some days are really good. Like yesterday and today. I can just feel good and happy and calm and somewhat... peaceful. But I still don't quite feel like doing the next day. It's just... each day requires so much energy. Energy I don't have. Energy I haven't really had in about 2 years. It's so hard to make it through every day for 2 years with so little energy.
Anyway, I didn't quite intend this post to be so depressing and I'd say sorry, but I'm not sorry, because you can't just pretend and ignore stuff and it can feel good to let it out.
Friday 12 April 2013
Friday 5 April 2013
Be Warned: Feminist Rant Ahead
You know what expression I hate? "You run like
a girl," or "you throw like a girl" etc. Why does doing
something "like a girl" have to be an insult? Why do we make fun of
boys with long hair or boys who like pick because they "look like girls"?
It frustrates me so much that being a female is of so little value that is is
used as an insult for males, to make them feel worse about themselves and make
them change to fit the "male stereotype". Seriously. Honestly, I've
used similar expressions to this in my life and never really thought about how
insulting it was until I grew up more. And, frankly, that's pretty disturbing
and upsetting that a young girl with try to tease people (such as her little
brothers) by saying they "sound like a girl". That is one of the many
subtle ways society teaches young girls that they aren't quite as valued as
their male counterparts.
You know what I'm so sick of? Gender stereotypes.
Why are certain jobs, hobbies, colours, types of music, foods and drinks,
places, activities, cars, houses, plants, instruments seen as feminine or
masculine? They are inanimate objects or abstract ideas- they do not have a
gender, so why must we propel gender identities onto these things and judge
anyone who goes against them? It really seems ridiculous to me that we grow up with
certain expectations placed upon us for the sorts of clothes we will wear, the
people we will befriend, the subjects we will do, the careers we will choose,
the way we will act and that these expectations are based purely on the genetic
make-up that we had no choice in. I did not choose to be born female. I have no
problem with the fact that I am a female. I have a problem with the fact that I
am expected to look, talk, react and be a certain way because of that. No one
had a choice in the matter, so it's unfair to expect these things.
I honestly do feel the pressure of female
expectations on a frequent basis. I feel like I am definitely judged on how I
look. I feel like I am definitely expected to like certain things and do
certain things. I definitely feel the pressure and I'm pretty sick of it.
When I discuss sexism with my family, my father
often talks about the fact that he thinks some feminists go too far and end up
being sexist towards men. I do agree with him. I feel like a lot of mainstream
media can degrade men in similar ways to women. BUT, I do not agree it is ever
quite to the same extent. Ever. I don't feel like men have as many mixed
messages or as much pressure. I don't think any man will quite truly appreciate
that until they can actually be in a woman's shoes.
I find the over-sexualisation of women as gender
completely disgusting. There are few ads, billboards, magazines or catalogues
that do not have a woman standing in a somewhat sexualised position. And music
videos. Modern music videos really do not sit well with me for that reason. Why
is the sexuality of women used to market products? It's not our intelligence,
reliability, status or otherwise- it's our appearance, clothing and sexuality.
It promotes very poor ideas of self-worth in young women. You begin to judge
your self-worth and likeability on your appearance, weight and body shape,
which is extremely unhealthy.
I just get so sick of it all and I honestly hope it gets better. I hope that by the time I have children, they can go into whatever career they want without mention of their gender. I hope that if my daughter wants to be a mechanic, no one will think twice about her gender and that if my son wants to be a ballet dancer, no one will ridicule him for "being a girl".
I don't mean to sound too negative here. I know that women have made such progress in the quest for equality and it is amazing. I think it's important to recognise that progress, but it's also important to recognise that there is a long way to go and not give up yet.
OK. There's my rant over. For now...
Monday 1 April 2013
I Cannot Think Of A Name For This Post. Seriously. Nothing.
I thought it might finally be time to start blogging again. I've wanted to for awhile, but I can never think of anything worth blogging about. I don't have much worth blogging about now either, but whatever. I shall talk about the events of my life from Thursday night on.
On Thursday night, I met up with Tenuto Tuo, Phantomess, Miss Invisible and... (this friend hasn't been mentioned on here before and doesn't have a nickname... Hmmm) ____ to see Legally Blonde: The Musical! It was amazing! We got fabulous seats for only $30 and the cast and show were amazing! Afterwards, I caught the train home with Phantomess and Miss Invisible. It reminded me, again, of how I am really quite different to my friends. Not all the time, but a lot of the time. I mean, since school we've all changed quite a bit in different ways. We've all met different people and gone different ways and have changed. And that's OK. Sometime it can be hard to deal with, but you have to learn that it's OK. And I have learnt that, though sometimes I forget. It's just that sometimes it can feel that everyone else has changed in similar ways and I haven't. Or everyone else has changed and grown up quicker and I'm doing everything slower. Now, I have to keep reminding myself that it isn't a bad thing, but it is hard to think about, of course. I guess it's hard when you're used to a small, tight group at a small school who all kinda have similar lives and spend sooo much time together and suddenly you're all spread out in different places with different people doing different things and only getting together when it fits everyone's schedules. But it's OK. I have a hard time not comparing myself to other people (in pretty much every aspect of my life), but I'm working on it, and that's what is important.
Anyway, I was EXHAUSTED that night when I got home at 11:45pm, but I had to get up around 5:30am the next day (Good Friday) and leave the house by around 7:15ish to drive up Easterfest- a Christian music festival held every year over the Easter long weekend. We dropped my brother off as he was volunteering and then went off to a church service because, well, it was Good Friday. The service was mediocre and made me kinda miss my own church and their more modern music and more interesting, theatrical presentations, but whatever. We went to Maccas and I had the worst ice coffee ever and then we went back to the festival in time to see Relient K (my favourite band in the world) get interviewed. The interview was good and got me very excited for the rest of that day. We had lunch and I went to line up for the Relient K signing. You could only go to specific signings, such as this one, if you had paid about $40 extra for a Premium Upgrade to your ticket. I had used money from my last birthday to buy my ticket, including a Premium Upgrade specifically to go to this signing. I stood in line for about an hour playing solitaire on my phone. Some guys in line had a guitar and played a few Relient K songs, and most of the line sang along, so that was fun. Finally, I was there and got to meet two members of the band (lead singer and lead guitarist) and they signed the first CD I ever owned of theirs. It was amazing. I swear, after that I was on Cloud 9 and I honestly had not felt so happy in a long time. When I'd feel down anytime over the weekend, I'd think of Friday and I'd feel better. I know it's a little cheesy, but I just love this band and their music and the lyrics and I think their music definitely helped me in my Christian journey and it just made me so happy. Anyway, I then saw a friend (who also doesn't have a nickname.... Hmm...) and she took me to see Newworldson, a jazz/blues/funk/soul band who were FANTASTIC! The family and I then went back to the house of some family friends who we were staying with that weekend, dropped off our luggage and got changed into warmer clothes, before heading back for the main concert. We sat there in good seats, ate jacket potatoes and watched some really good performances before Relient K did their performance. Although only two of the members were there (they had three "ring-ins" playing guitar and drums), it was an amazing concert! I had made an internal list of 5 songs I really wanted to hear them play and they played 3, so I was pretty happy! I sang along pretty loudly to everything (except their new songs, which I loved already!) and was very happy. At the end, the lead singer sat down at the keyboard and said he was going to play a hymn in honour of what Easter is really about and it was truly beautiful. It was quiet and lovely and the whole audience was quiet and singing along.
After that we went home and I was truly the happiest I have been in soo very long. I'd say it was one of the best days of my life, actually.
Saturday was also a very gooood day. I didn't really do anything until 11am where I saw The Empty Chair Project, which is where this really great jazz band takes songs of singers at the festivals and "jazzes them up". For example, they will turn a rock or pop song into a swing number and the singer comes up and sings their song with the band. It was very good! I then so my friend and a friend of hers and we went into town (the festival had events going on in cafes and other places throughout the city too) and we went to a little art gallery and got shown around, which was cool. We then went and had lunch before heading back so my friend could go to a forum. I met up with my family and I honestly cannot remember what we did then... Hmm, well, eventually my dad and I went back to the house and got some warm clothes for everyone before heading back where I met up with another nicknameless friend (I might just call her X... really unimaginative but whatever) and the family we'd been staying with. We all sat in my main arena and watched the performances, which were really good. After one concert, X and I left to go have dinner, which was yummy and then sat in this nice tent listening to music and chatting, which was really nice. I don't get to catch up with her much, so it was really really nice. I then went to this thing called the Jazz Supper Club with my parents and family friend and went to watch jazz musicians perform, including James Morrison. The tent was packed and we ended up at the very back, sitting on the floor unable to see. The music was really good, but this event went from 9-11pm and we were all EXHAUSTED so, unfortunately we decided to leave before James Morrison came out. I was really upset at the time, but once we'd gotten back to the house I'd realised it was a very good decision, as I was ready to just pass out from tiredness.
Sunday was pretty laid-back as we were all tired and didn't have much at the festival we wanted to do. We dropped my brother off to volunteer and then went to our family friends' church for our Easter Sunday service, which was quite nice. We had lunch back at their place and mum dropped me, my other brother and the youngest son of this family off at the festival. We met up with my brother and left the two younger kids to go on rides etc. At this point it was lightly raining, by the way. My brother and I, as we had Premium Tickets, went to go to the Premium Only Evermore concert. When we were in line, it started raining heavier and it was quite miserable, but we went to the concert anyway. I'm glad we did, because it was GREAT! Really good. We then ran to find our parents and head home. We stopped off at Maccas for food and drinks, where my brothers and I walked around barefoot as our shoes were soaked. We then made the 1.5 hour journey home.
Overall- a fantastic weekend! It was entirely worth spending my money on and worth the exhaustion I am still feeling today (even though I slept from around 10pm-9:30am).
I now have a week off uni for Mid-Semester Break, and I feel good about that. I know I have work I should do. Assignments and study, but I also have no motivation. Seriously. I'm finding it really hard to muster up the energy and motivation to do any uni work this year. I'm just so tired all the time and it takes so much energy to go into uni and make it through the day. So, when I'm at home and don't have to be there, I have no motivation to do work. I have to keep reminding myself that at the end of next year I want to get into Honours and quite possibly post-grad study after that, but I just can't be motivated. It's pretty frustrating. Frankly, I'm not enjoying uni that much yet this year and it's worrying me, cause I'm getting a lot of the feelings I got back in Year 12 and I really don't want that. Year 12 was pretty much the start of all my issues and I don't want to go back to that. I've been getting better. The end of last year especially showed me just getting better. Now I get worried that I'm slowly slipping back to that place.
But, I do think of a few things I'm better at and it's reassuring. I have made progress. I need to stop comparing my progress to others. I need to stop focusing on the things that are still hard, stressful, anxiety-inducing and depressing. I need to think of the things that are easier; the things that used to be hard, stressful, anxiety-inducing and depressing, but are now less so. That's what's important.
On Thursday night, I met up with Tenuto Tuo, Phantomess, Miss Invisible and... (this friend hasn't been mentioned on here before and doesn't have a nickname... Hmmm) ____ to see Legally Blonde: The Musical! It was amazing! We got fabulous seats for only $30 and the cast and show were amazing! Afterwards, I caught the train home with Phantomess and Miss Invisible. It reminded me, again, of how I am really quite different to my friends. Not all the time, but a lot of the time. I mean, since school we've all changed quite a bit in different ways. We've all met different people and gone different ways and have changed. And that's OK. Sometime it can be hard to deal with, but you have to learn that it's OK. And I have learnt that, though sometimes I forget. It's just that sometimes it can feel that everyone else has changed in similar ways and I haven't. Or everyone else has changed and grown up quicker and I'm doing everything slower. Now, I have to keep reminding myself that it isn't a bad thing, but it is hard to think about, of course. I guess it's hard when you're used to a small, tight group at a small school who all kinda have similar lives and spend sooo much time together and suddenly you're all spread out in different places with different people doing different things and only getting together when it fits everyone's schedules. But it's OK. I have a hard time not comparing myself to other people (in pretty much every aspect of my life), but I'm working on it, and that's what is important.
Anyway, I was EXHAUSTED that night when I got home at 11:45pm, but I had to get up around 5:30am the next day (Good Friday) and leave the house by around 7:15ish to drive up Easterfest- a Christian music festival held every year over the Easter long weekend. We dropped my brother off as he was volunteering and then went off to a church service because, well, it was Good Friday. The service was mediocre and made me kinda miss my own church and their more modern music and more interesting, theatrical presentations, but whatever. We went to Maccas and I had the worst ice coffee ever and then we went back to the festival in time to see Relient K (my favourite band in the world) get interviewed. The interview was good and got me very excited for the rest of that day. We had lunch and I went to line up for the Relient K signing. You could only go to specific signings, such as this one, if you had paid about $40 extra for a Premium Upgrade to your ticket. I had used money from my last birthday to buy my ticket, including a Premium Upgrade specifically to go to this signing. I stood in line for about an hour playing solitaire on my phone. Some guys in line had a guitar and played a few Relient K songs, and most of the line sang along, so that was fun. Finally, I was there and got to meet two members of the band (lead singer and lead guitarist) and they signed the first CD I ever owned of theirs. It was amazing. I swear, after that I was on Cloud 9 and I honestly had not felt so happy in a long time. When I'd feel down anytime over the weekend, I'd think of Friday and I'd feel better. I know it's a little cheesy, but I just love this band and their music and the lyrics and I think their music definitely helped me in my Christian journey and it just made me so happy. Anyway, I then saw a friend (who also doesn't have a nickname.... Hmm...) and she took me to see Newworldson, a jazz/blues/funk/soul band who were FANTASTIC! The family and I then went back to the house of some family friends who we were staying with that weekend, dropped off our luggage and got changed into warmer clothes, before heading back for the main concert. We sat there in good seats, ate jacket potatoes and watched some really good performances before Relient K did their performance. Although only two of the members were there (they had three "ring-ins" playing guitar and drums), it was an amazing concert! I had made an internal list of 5 songs I really wanted to hear them play and they played 3, so I was pretty happy! I sang along pretty loudly to everything (except their new songs, which I loved already!) and was very happy. At the end, the lead singer sat down at the keyboard and said he was going to play a hymn in honour of what Easter is really about and it was truly beautiful. It was quiet and lovely and the whole audience was quiet and singing along.
After that we went home and I was truly the happiest I have been in soo very long. I'd say it was one of the best days of my life, actually.
Saturday was also a very gooood day. I didn't really do anything until 11am where I saw The Empty Chair Project, which is where this really great jazz band takes songs of singers at the festivals and "jazzes them up". For example, they will turn a rock or pop song into a swing number and the singer comes up and sings their song with the band. It was very good! I then so my friend and a friend of hers and we went into town (the festival had events going on in cafes and other places throughout the city too) and we went to a little art gallery and got shown around, which was cool. We then went and had lunch before heading back so my friend could go to a forum. I met up with my family and I honestly cannot remember what we did then... Hmm, well, eventually my dad and I went back to the house and got some warm clothes for everyone before heading back where I met up with another nicknameless friend (I might just call her X... really unimaginative but whatever) and the family we'd been staying with. We all sat in my main arena and watched the performances, which were really good. After one concert, X and I left to go have dinner, which was yummy and then sat in this nice tent listening to music and chatting, which was really nice. I don't get to catch up with her much, so it was really really nice. I then went to this thing called the Jazz Supper Club with my parents and family friend and went to watch jazz musicians perform, including James Morrison. The tent was packed and we ended up at the very back, sitting on the floor unable to see. The music was really good, but this event went from 9-11pm and we were all EXHAUSTED so, unfortunately we decided to leave before James Morrison came out. I was really upset at the time, but once we'd gotten back to the house I'd realised it was a very good decision, as I was ready to just pass out from tiredness.
Sunday was pretty laid-back as we were all tired and didn't have much at the festival we wanted to do. We dropped my brother off to volunteer and then went to our family friends' church for our Easter Sunday service, which was quite nice. We had lunch back at their place and mum dropped me, my other brother and the youngest son of this family off at the festival. We met up with my brother and left the two younger kids to go on rides etc. At this point it was lightly raining, by the way. My brother and I, as we had Premium Tickets, went to go to the Premium Only Evermore concert. When we were in line, it started raining heavier and it was quite miserable, but we went to the concert anyway. I'm glad we did, because it was GREAT! Really good. We then ran to find our parents and head home. We stopped off at Maccas for food and drinks, where my brothers and I walked around barefoot as our shoes were soaked. We then made the 1.5 hour journey home.
Overall- a fantastic weekend! It was entirely worth spending my money on and worth the exhaustion I am still feeling today (even though I slept from around 10pm-9:30am).
I now have a week off uni for Mid-Semester Break, and I feel good about that. I know I have work I should do. Assignments and study, but I also have no motivation. Seriously. I'm finding it really hard to muster up the energy and motivation to do any uni work this year. I'm just so tired all the time and it takes so much energy to go into uni and make it through the day. So, when I'm at home and don't have to be there, I have no motivation to do work. I have to keep reminding myself that at the end of next year I want to get into Honours and quite possibly post-grad study after that, but I just can't be motivated. It's pretty frustrating. Frankly, I'm not enjoying uni that much yet this year and it's worrying me, cause I'm getting a lot of the feelings I got back in Year 12 and I really don't want that. Year 12 was pretty much the start of all my issues and I don't want to go back to that. I've been getting better. The end of last year especially showed me just getting better. Now I get worried that I'm slowly slipping back to that place.
But, I do think of a few things I'm better at and it's reassuring. I have made progress. I need to stop comparing my progress to others. I need to stop focusing on the things that are still hard, stressful, anxiety-inducing and depressing. I need to think of the things that are easier; the things that used to be hard, stressful, anxiety-inducing and depressing, but are now less so. That's what's important.
Saturday 9 February 2013
My Grown-Up Adventures In The 'Real World'
Greetings! I know I have posted anything in ages and I'm not sure what has compelled me to post something now, but whatever...
Because of having my license and whatnot, I've been getting out a lot more and taking myself places and just basically, growing up a little. Finally.
This weekend I drove myself 2 hours to the coast to stay with a friend and her family so that I could go with them to this arty event she had put on with some others. For the first half of the night, I was super awkward and anti-social and was texting Old Man instead of socialising. Whoops. But then she forced me to go outside and look at some other stuff and I was able to start talking to people. People I hadn't met. I loosened up and was able to somewhat keep some conversations going and not be a completely awkward boring freak. So, that was a plus. I stayed over at my friend's place and when I woke up, her and her family were headed off, so after they left, I made my breakfast, watched some TV, got dressed and left. I found my way to the beach (entirely by way of guessing and following some road signs), where I parked and went a 30-40 minute walk in the black t-shirt and black boots I was wearing (not great walking clothes. Too hot for sure) before going to this amazing yoghurt shop that, sadly, is only up at the coast. It has all these gourmet, fancy yoghurt flavours and you serve them (like soft serve ice cream) into a cup and then cover them in all these different toppings (fruit, chocolate, muesli etc.) and pay for how much your cup weighs. I had three yoghurt flavours- coconut, pomegranate and banana and topped them with strawberries, blueberries, raspberries and slivered almonds. I took my yoghurt over the road and ate it on a bench overlooking the bench. I then got in my car and found my way back onto the highway and got back home. My family were out at another family's place for lunch, so I drove myself there too.
I know none of this sounds like much to most people my age or older, but it was all a big deal for me. I've never done this much independently, without at least one family member nearby or something. I had anxieties before leaving yesterday, but once I'd gotten in the car and was driving and singing, loudly and terribly, to my music, I felt good. And when I was laying in bed last night and this morning, thinking about the previous night and all my accomplishments, I felt so good. I just felt... happy. And at peace. It's a nice feeling that I haven't felt enough in my life.
I've decided I don't care if that sounds so stupid to everyone else. I've decided I need to accept what I find difficult and celebrate when I do these things and they go well. I need to stop comparing myself to others and getting frustrated that others can go out to new places and talk to new people easily while I find it extremely anxiety-inducing. I am getting better at it. I know that and that is good and, at least for now, I am happy with what I can do and the achievements I'm making, whether petty to others or not.
Also, I've decided I need to find a creative outlet again. I need to do something when I'm home, instead of just watching TV and scrolling through the internet. I need to cook more again. I haven't done a lot lately, which is sad. I need to experiment with healthy baking and cook and read and play music and just get back into my hobbies. Seriously, I need more of a life, even when I'm just at home alone...
I'm not sure where else I was going with this post, so I'll probably leave it here. If I leave the tab open thinking, "I'll write something else," I'll end up coming back to it when I go to bed and am turning the computer off and will never post this, so farewell!
Because of having my license and whatnot, I've been getting out a lot more and taking myself places and just basically, growing up a little. Finally.
This weekend I drove myself 2 hours to the coast to stay with a friend and her family so that I could go with them to this arty event she had put on with some others. For the first half of the night, I was super awkward and anti-social and was texting Old Man instead of socialising. Whoops. But then she forced me to go outside and look at some other stuff and I was able to start talking to people. People I hadn't met. I loosened up and was able to somewhat keep some conversations going and not be a completely awkward boring freak. So, that was a plus. I stayed over at my friend's place and when I woke up, her and her family were headed off, so after they left, I made my breakfast, watched some TV, got dressed and left. I found my way to the beach (entirely by way of guessing and following some road signs), where I parked and went a 30-40 minute walk in the black t-shirt and black boots I was wearing (not great walking clothes. Too hot for sure) before going to this amazing yoghurt shop that, sadly, is only up at the coast. It has all these gourmet, fancy yoghurt flavours and you serve them (like soft serve ice cream) into a cup and then cover them in all these different toppings (fruit, chocolate, muesli etc.) and pay for how much your cup weighs. I had three yoghurt flavours- coconut, pomegranate and banana and topped them with strawberries, blueberries, raspberries and slivered almonds. I took my yoghurt over the road and ate it on a bench overlooking the bench. I then got in my car and found my way back onto the highway and got back home. My family were out at another family's place for lunch, so I drove myself there too.
I know none of this sounds like much to most people my age or older, but it was all a big deal for me. I've never done this much independently, without at least one family member nearby or something. I had anxieties before leaving yesterday, but once I'd gotten in the car and was driving and singing, loudly and terribly, to my music, I felt good. And when I was laying in bed last night and this morning, thinking about the previous night and all my accomplishments, I felt so good. I just felt... happy. And at peace. It's a nice feeling that I haven't felt enough in my life.
I've decided I don't care if that sounds so stupid to everyone else. I've decided I need to accept what I find difficult and celebrate when I do these things and they go well. I need to stop comparing myself to others and getting frustrated that others can go out to new places and talk to new people easily while I find it extremely anxiety-inducing. I am getting better at it. I know that and that is good and, at least for now, I am happy with what I can do and the achievements I'm making, whether petty to others or not.
Also, I've decided I need to find a creative outlet again. I need to do something when I'm home, instead of just watching TV and scrolling through the internet. I need to cook more again. I haven't done a lot lately, which is sad. I need to experiment with healthy baking and cook and read and play music and just get back into my hobbies. Seriously, I need more of a life, even when I'm just at home alone...
I'm not sure where else I was going with this post, so I'll probably leave it here. If I leave the tab open thinking, "I'll write something else," I'll end up coming back to it when I go to bed and am turning the computer off and will never post this, so farewell!
Monday 31 December 2012
Obligatory New Year's Post
Here is my post to review 2012 and my hopes for the coming year.
I had great hopes for 2012 this time last year because, frankly, 2011 sucked. Unfortunately, 2012 did not live up to these hopes, at least not in the first few months. It was almost as though 2012 was mocking me for believing everything could suddenly get better on January 1st, so the year through many various struggles at me. I think the worst part was that these big struggles were not spread out. When I think of 2012, I think of two major events that occurred in the life of my family, two difficult events that still trouble me and I hope never happen again, and both of these events occured in the space of a few months. Approximately 3 months. It makes it pretty hard to try and deal with two very emotional, draining, upsetting and confronting events at the same time.
I am one of those cheesy people that believes things happen for a reason. Maybe not every little thing but most things, yes. These events- definitely. I think they were meant to teach me lessons, about other people and about myself. I haven't figured out what those lessons were yet, but I have taken some good things away from them. I guess they both helped me realise what kind of person I want to be now and in the future. Maybe dreams I already had, but they were brought to the foreground. One of these events, may have brought me closer to realising a very real possibility for my future career in Developmental Psychology. Maybe not, but I have tried to look for the positives that can come out of these times.
I started and finished my first year of University and I am actually really quite proud of myself. I did it. I feel like, if I could do the first year without too many issues, I can totally finish a whole degree. I passed all my subjects and even did pretty well in a few of them. I made new friends. Not many, but for me that is a huge deal. Granted, they were all from Japanese class and I was pretty much a loner in all other courses throughout the year. Oh no, wait. I made a friend in my second year Psych course in 2nd semester, but she didn't turn up for the second half of the semester so I was still pretty loner-y. But I learn to not care about being a loner in most classes. I know I have friends. And, frankly, I like being on my own a lot. I like hanging with friends during class and chatting during the breaks, but I also quite like being alone. I do hope, however, to make some more friends this coming uni year.
I learnt to drive this year. Properly. Despite my dislike of driving and the anxiety it caused me, I got up all my hours and finally passed my test, just a couple of weeks ago. I do not have my own car yet, but having my Ps has really come in handy already and I'm so glad that my mum forced me to do it and that I also forced myself.
I became obsessed with new TV shows this year. I now that the fact that is a small highlight of my year makes me seem pretty pathetic, but I like TV, OK? Do not judge me! I started The Office and Community and became thoroughly obsessed with both. I recently decided they are my two favourite shows.
I started trying to be a healthier person this year with better eating and regular exercise and it has become a big part of my life. I still need to work towards a lot in those regards, mostly mentally, but I will get there.
That is my vague review of 2012 and now I will go over my hopes for 2013 which, honestly, I haven't thought much about.
Goals for 2013 written as though I am talking to myself:
1. GET A JOB. ASAP.
2. Become more independent. You am officially and adult now and although you still live at home with you parents, really try and achieve as much independence as possible in every other aspect of your life. Continue what you've started in the past month or so.
3. Learn to love yourself. This is probably the most important one. Stop comparing and worrying and getting really upset over your body and your appearance. Stop being so self-depreciating over these stupid things that don't matter. Stop thinking that you will be alone because of your body. Stop letting these awful, hateful thoughts and crazy anxieties fill your mind everyday. Focus on being as healthy and happy as you can possibly be.
4. Focus more on God. Don't just do it on a Sunday morning at church and when you pray before going to sleep. Read the Bible, pray more, sing more worship songs and don't forget about Him in your daily life. This one is the other most important.
5. Make more friends. It doesn't matter how many, but try and make conversations with people. When you see someone at uni in a class and you think they are interesting and you wish you could talk to them, stop wishing and do it. Try and hold a conversation and, if it goes well, try and start and maintain a friendship.
6. Even though you want to get out more, gain independence and act like the young adult you are, don't feel pressured into anything. Don't feel like you have to stay out till 3am and get drunk or whatever because friends want to or because it's what "normal" people your age do. Remember that it's OK to want to stay home at lie on the couch in your PJs watching reality TV shows with your parents. Just find a balance. Do those fun "young people" stuff so you don't miss out, but don't burn yourself doing so many social things that you end up not enjoying them at all. Think about what you really want to do.
7. Stop getting so frustrated with your body and its (relatively minor...) health issues. It is frustrating that it's taking so long to work out and fix, but it's going as fast as it can and you will feel much better eventually.
8. Read more. You always want to and you often start but it stagnates often. Look up books, go to the library and read all the unread books on your bookshelf.
9. Watch more movies. "Classic" movies that everyone has seen and I have not. Finish your Audrey Hepburn movies, watch those other ones on your list.
10. Cook even more. You love it, so do it more. Try new ingredients and try learning some techniques to get even better.
11. Run that 5k! It might seem really impossible right now, but there is really no reason you can't do it, just put your mind to it, think about how happy you'll be when you finish it and keep being positive.
12. Try and remember all your strategies for reducing anxieties etc. Take deep breaths, think positive thoughts, pay attention to your surroundings and, if your feeling upset for no apparent reason, do something you love. Watch an episode of one of your favourite shows and paint your nails, or bake a cake.
13. Try and keep better contact with some of the friends you, unfortunately and unintentionally, neglect. You know the ones...
14. Don't try and fit in. You know what you like, what you don't like, what you're comfortable with, your own limits etc. Don't try and change any of this because you think you should to fit in. Be yourself, girl.
15. Take more photos. Of anything and everything. Scenery, places you go, things you do, people you're with. Just capture the memories of 2013. Try and buy a new, good camera and take a photography course, like you've wanted to for years.
I think that's it. To sum up, happy New Year! Enjoy the holidays (esp. Aussie uni students) and have a great 2013!
I had great hopes for 2012 this time last year because, frankly, 2011 sucked. Unfortunately, 2012 did not live up to these hopes, at least not in the first few months. It was almost as though 2012 was mocking me for believing everything could suddenly get better on January 1st, so the year through many various struggles at me. I think the worst part was that these big struggles were not spread out. When I think of 2012, I think of two major events that occurred in the life of my family, two difficult events that still trouble me and I hope never happen again, and both of these events occured in the space of a few months. Approximately 3 months. It makes it pretty hard to try and deal with two very emotional, draining, upsetting and confronting events at the same time.
I am one of those cheesy people that believes things happen for a reason. Maybe not every little thing but most things, yes. These events- definitely. I think they were meant to teach me lessons, about other people and about myself. I haven't figured out what those lessons were yet, but I have taken some good things away from them. I guess they both helped me realise what kind of person I want to be now and in the future. Maybe dreams I already had, but they were brought to the foreground. One of these events, may have brought me closer to realising a very real possibility for my future career in Developmental Psychology. Maybe not, but I have tried to look for the positives that can come out of these times.
I started and finished my first year of University and I am actually really quite proud of myself. I did it. I feel like, if I could do the first year without too many issues, I can totally finish a whole degree. I passed all my subjects and even did pretty well in a few of them. I made new friends. Not many, but for me that is a huge deal. Granted, they were all from Japanese class and I was pretty much a loner in all other courses throughout the year. Oh no, wait. I made a friend in my second year Psych course in 2nd semester, but she didn't turn up for the second half of the semester so I was still pretty loner-y. But I learn to not care about being a loner in most classes. I know I have friends. And, frankly, I like being on my own a lot. I like hanging with friends during class and chatting during the breaks, but I also quite like being alone. I do hope, however, to make some more friends this coming uni year.
I learnt to drive this year. Properly. Despite my dislike of driving and the anxiety it caused me, I got up all my hours and finally passed my test, just a couple of weeks ago. I do not have my own car yet, but having my Ps has really come in handy already and I'm so glad that my mum forced me to do it and that I also forced myself.
I became obsessed with new TV shows this year. I now that the fact that is a small highlight of my year makes me seem pretty pathetic, but I like TV, OK? Do not judge me! I started The Office and Community and became thoroughly obsessed with both. I recently decided they are my two favourite shows.
I started trying to be a healthier person this year with better eating and regular exercise and it has become a big part of my life. I still need to work towards a lot in those regards, mostly mentally, but I will get there.
That is my vague review of 2012 and now I will go over my hopes for 2013 which, honestly, I haven't thought much about.
Goals for 2013 written as though I am talking to myself:
1. GET A JOB. ASAP.
2. Become more independent. You am officially and adult now and although you still live at home with you parents, really try and achieve as much independence as possible in every other aspect of your life. Continue what you've started in the past month or so.
3. Learn to love yourself. This is probably the most important one. Stop comparing and worrying and getting really upset over your body and your appearance. Stop being so self-depreciating over these stupid things that don't matter. Stop thinking that you will be alone because of your body. Stop letting these awful, hateful thoughts and crazy anxieties fill your mind everyday. Focus on being as healthy and happy as you can possibly be.
4. Focus more on God. Don't just do it on a Sunday morning at church and when you pray before going to sleep. Read the Bible, pray more, sing more worship songs and don't forget about Him in your daily life. This one is the other most important.
5. Make more friends. It doesn't matter how many, but try and make conversations with people. When you see someone at uni in a class and you think they are interesting and you wish you could talk to them, stop wishing and do it. Try and hold a conversation and, if it goes well, try and start and maintain a friendship.
6. Even though you want to get out more, gain independence and act like the young adult you are, don't feel pressured into anything. Don't feel like you have to stay out till 3am and get drunk or whatever because friends want to or because it's what "normal" people your age do. Remember that it's OK to want to stay home at lie on the couch in your PJs watching reality TV shows with your parents. Just find a balance. Do those fun "young people" stuff so you don't miss out, but don't burn yourself doing so many social things that you end up not enjoying them at all. Think about what you really want to do.
7. Stop getting so frustrated with your body and its (relatively minor...) health issues. It is frustrating that it's taking so long to work out and fix, but it's going as fast as it can and you will feel much better eventually.
8. Read more. You always want to and you often start but it stagnates often. Look up books, go to the library and read all the unread books on your bookshelf.
9. Watch more movies. "Classic" movies that everyone has seen and I have not. Finish your Audrey Hepburn movies, watch those other ones on your list.
10. Cook even more. You love it, so do it more. Try new ingredients and try learning some techniques to get even better.
11. Run that 5k! It might seem really impossible right now, but there is really no reason you can't do it, just put your mind to it, think about how happy you'll be when you finish it and keep being positive.
12. Try and remember all your strategies for reducing anxieties etc. Take deep breaths, think positive thoughts, pay attention to your surroundings and, if your feeling upset for no apparent reason, do something you love. Watch an episode of one of your favourite shows and paint your nails, or bake a cake.
13. Try and keep better contact with some of the friends you, unfortunately and unintentionally, neglect. You know the ones...
14. Don't try and fit in. You know what you like, what you don't like, what you're comfortable with, your own limits etc. Don't try and change any of this because you think you should to fit in. Be yourself, girl.
15. Take more photos. Of anything and everything. Scenery, places you go, things you do, people you're with. Just capture the memories of 2013. Try and buy a new, good camera and take a photography course, like you've wanted to for years.
I think that's it. To sum up, happy New Year! Enjoy the holidays (esp. Aussie uni students) and have a great 2013!
Monday 3 December 2012
The Politics of Human Sexuality
I was scrolling through Tumblr today, as I usually do, and came across a link for this thing called the "Kinsey's Sexuality Scale" or something along those lines. Anyway, it rates your sexuality on a scale from 1-6, with two exceptions. You answer a few true/false questions and it rates you on this scale:
0- Exclusively heterosexual
1- Predominantly heterosexual, only incidentally homosexual
2- Predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual
3- Equally heterosexual and homosexual
4- Predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally heterosexual
5- Predominantly homosexual, only incidentally heterosexual
6- Exclusively homosexual
X- Non-sexual
F- The test failed to match you to a Kinsey Type profile. Either you answered some questions wrong, or you are a very unusual person
My result was X- Non-sexual. At first I was surprised, as I thought I would be 0, but then I realised it's pretty fitting for me. This doesn't mean I'm asexual (not attracted to either males or females), because I am attracted to males, just never in that way.
This may make me sound like some sad, innocent little girl, as opposed to a woman, but whatever. When I see someone and think they are attractive, any of those kind of thoughts never ever cross my mind. I generally want to like, talk to them, listen to them, learn all about them, learn their secrets, about their past, their dreams and like, hang out with them and maybe, hold their hand and hug them or something.
This post is named after an episode of Community (recently added to my list of favourite shows. Honestly, it's amazing. Watch it. Now), where the character of Annie deals with her... lack of sexuality and her innocence. Towards the end of the episode she proclaims that she doesn't care what other people say, she likes being uncomfortable with all that and being innocent etc. Basically, I am like Annie in that scene.
Friends of mine have often said things like, "Aaaaw, *insert my name here* you're so innocent/cute," with a little head shake, hug and laugh, as if I'm a little girl who is yet to grow up. Well, I don't think this "non-sexuality" means I am immature or needing to grow up. It's just me. And that's totally OK. I think it is entirely OK for me to be uncomfortable talking about these things. It's OK for me to be somewhat clueless but to have little interest in it. I'm proud to be one of the very few.
So, to conclude this seemingly random post, some words from the aforementioned Annie: "You know what? I don't want to express myself. I don't want to sit in a room full of people and say... the P-word. I like being repressed. I am totally comfortable being uncomfortable with my sexuality. And maybe, just maybe, if everyone were a little bit more like me, we wouldn't have to have an STD fair!"
0- Exclusively heterosexual
1- Predominantly heterosexual, only incidentally homosexual
2- Predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual
3- Equally heterosexual and homosexual
4- Predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally heterosexual
5- Predominantly homosexual, only incidentally heterosexual
6- Exclusively homosexual
X- Non-sexual
F- The test failed to match you to a Kinsey Type profile. Either you answered some questions wrong, or you are a very unusual person
My result was X- Non-sexual. At first I was surprised, as I thought I would be 0, but then I realised it's pretty fitting for me. This doesn't mean I'm asexual (not attracted to either males or females), because I am attracted to males, just never in that way.
This may make me sound like some sad, innocent little girl, as opposed to a woman, but whatever. When I see someone and think they are attractive, any of those kind of thoughts never ever cross my mind. I generally want to like, talk to them, listen to them, learn all about them, learn their secrets, about their past, their dreams and like, hang out with them and maybe, hold their hand and hug them or something.
This post is named after an episode of Community (recently added to my list of favourite shows. Honestly, it's amazing. Watch it. Now), where the character of Annie deals with her... lack of sexuality and her innocence. Towards the end of the episode she proclaims that she doesn't care what other people say, she likes being uncomfortable with all that and being innocent etc. Basically, I am like Annie in that scene.
Friends of mine have often said things like, "Aaaaw, *insert my name here* you're so innocent/cute," with a little head shake, hug and laugh, as if I'm a little girl who is yet to grow up. Well, I don't think this "non-sexuality" means I am immature or needing to grow up. It's just me. And that's totally OK. I think it is entirely OK for me to be uncomfortable talking about these things. It's OK for me to be somewhat clueless but to have little interest in it. I'm proud to be one of the very few.
So, to conclude this seemingly random post, some words from the aforementioned Annie: "You know what? I don't want to express myself. I don't want to sit in a room full of people and say... the P-word. I like being repressed. I am totally comfortable being uncomfortable with my sexuality. And maybe, just maybe, if everyone were a little bit more like me, we wouldn't have to have an STD fair!"
Wednesday 28 November 2012
The Word Grateful Makes Me Think Of Grated Cheese...
So, yesterday afternoon my family and I went to visit some family friends we've known for years. We were sitting around chatting and found out that they are building a new house very soon. We looked at the plans and they described what it will be like and, frankly, it sounds amazing. Big bedrooms, 4 bathrooms, walk-in-robes, ensuites and a spa all on the north side of my city (Well, I'm pretty sure it's the north side... I'm slowly getting my head around the geography of this city and where all the suburbs are... Pretty sure I live on the south side... Or south west... I don't know...). On the way home I started thinking, "Why can't we build a big new house? Why can't I have my own walk-in-robe and ensuite? Why can't I live in the nice, bigger, higher class, inner city suburbs? Why do I have to live in a tiny house in a lower-middle class, super bogan area?" Seriously, my house is small. It takes like, less than a minute to give people a comprehensive tour of my home. You've seen half the house once you've walked in the door. It's a nice place and all, it's just pretty small. And my suburb's not that bad, it's just pretty bogan. All down the main road near my place, people sit in their garages with the doors open drinking beer in the evenings or coffee in the mornings. Seriously, do they not have kitchens? Anyway...
I realised this is not a good way to be thinking. I should not just sit around thinking about things I want and how much I wish I had different things to what I have. I mean, yes, there is a lot of benefit in wanting things. If you don't want anything, you're not going to change anything. Your life will stay stagnant and mediocre. But there is a big difference between wanting and wishing, I think. I think wishing doesn't have as much action in it. You sit around wishing you could have money, or a big house, but you don't do anything about it. You just become resentful and jealous. As said in I'm Not That Girl from Wicked, "wishing only wounds the heart."
Now, someday I want to go to New York City. I can do something about that. I can save my money, plan it all out and go. But, although I want to live in a bigger, nicer house in another part of this city, I can't do anything about that. I have no job, a small amount of money and I live with my parents. I can't do anything about where I live right now. So what is the point of wishing? Why not actually be happy with what I have?
So, I've given myself a challenge- to pose something I'm grateful for on a regular basis. I'm not sure if it will be daily or weekly or what yet, but I think it's important for me to stop comparing my life to others and wishing I had what they have and just be happy and thankful for all the great things I do have.
Well, I just created my new blog, so check it out: happier-healthier-hopeful.blogger.com :)
I realised this is not a good way to be thinking. I should not just sit around thinking about things I want and how much I wish I had different things to what I have. I mean, yes, there is a lot of benefit in wanting things. If you don't want anything, you're not going to change anything. Your life will stay stagnant and mediocre. But there is a big difference between wanting and wishing, I think. I think wishing doesn't have as much action in it. You sit around wishing you could have money, or a big house, but you don't do anything about it. You just become resentful and jealous. As said in I'm Not That Girl from Wicked, "wishing only wounds the heart."
Now, someday I want to go to New York City. I can do something about that. I can save my money, plan it all out and go. But, although I want to live in a bigger, nicer house in another part of this city, I can't do anything about that. I have no job, a small amount of money and I live with my parents. I can't do anything about where I live right now. So what is the point of wishing? Why not actually be happy with what I have?
So, I've given myself a challenge- to pose something I'm grateful for on a regular basis. I'm not sure if it will be daily or weekly or what yet, but I think it's important for me to stop comparing my life to others and wishing I had what they have and just be happy and thankful for all the great things I do have.
Well, I just created my new blog, so check it out: happier-healthier-hopeful.blogger.com :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)