My Grown-Up Adventures In The 'Real World'

Greetings! I know I have posted anything in ages and I'm not sure what has compelled me to post something now, but whatever...

Because of having my license and whatnot, I've been getting out a lot more and taking myself places and just basically, growing up a little. Finally.

This weekend I drove myself 2 hours to the coast to stay with a friend and her family so that I could go with them to this arty event she had put on with some others. For the first half of the night, I was super awkward and anti-social and was texting Old Man instead of socialising. Whoops. But then she forced me to go outside and look at some other stuff and I was able to start talking to people. People I hadn't met. I loosened up and was able to somewhat keep some conversations going and not be a completely awkward boring freak. So, that was a plus. I stayed over at my friend's place and when I woke up, her and her family were headed off, so after they left, I made my breakfast, watched some TV, got dressed and left. I found my way to the beach (entirely by way of guessing and following some road signs), where I parked and went a 30-40 minute walk in the black t-shirt and black boots I was wearing (not great walking clothes. Too hot for sure) before going to this amazing yoghurt shop that, sadly, is only up at the coast. It has all these gourmet, fancy yoghurt flavours and you serve them (like soft serve ice cream) into a cup and then cover them in all these different toppings (fruit, chocolate, muesli etc.) and pay for how much your cup weighs. I had three yoghurt flavours- coconut, pomegranate and banana and topped them with strawberries, blueberries, raspberries and slivered almonds. I took my yoghurt over the road and ate it on a bench overlooking the bench. I then got in my car and found my way back onto the highway and got back home. My family were out at another family's place for lunch, so I drove myself there too.

I know none of this sounds like much to most people my age or older, but it was all a big deal for me. I've never done this much independently, without at least one family member nearby or something. I had anxieties before leaving yesterday, but once I'd gotten in the car and was driving and singing, loudly and terribly, to my music, I felt good. And when I was laying in bed last night and this morning, thinking about the previous night and all my accomplishments, I felt so good. I just felt... happy. And at peace. It's a nice feeling that I haven't felt enough in my life.

I've decided I don't care if that sounds so stupid to everyone else. I've decided I need to accept what I find difficult and celebrate when I do these things and they go well. I need to stop comparing myself to others and getting frustrated that others can go out to new places and talk to new people easily while I find it extremely anxiety-inducing. I am getting better at it. I know that and that is good and, at least for now, I am happy with what I can do and the achievements I'm making, whether petty to others or not.

Also, I've decided I need to find a creative outlet again. I need to do something when I'm home, instead of just watching TV and scrolling through the internet. I need to cook more again. I haven't done a lot lately, which is sad. I need to experiment with healthy baking and cook and read and play music and just get back into my hobbies. Seriously, I need more of a life, even when I'm just at home alone...

I'm not sure where else I was going with this post, so I'll probably leave it here. If I leave the tab open thinking, "I'll write something else," I'll end up coming back to it when I go to bed and am turning the computer off and will never post this, so farewell!

Deep Stuff, Yo

"If you close your eyes and listen close, you can hear the chapter close and it's all rebound it better clothes and you'll like the way this story goes."


Okey dokey, this blog is now taking on a different form. It shall hereby serve a purpose other than just being a place for me to write stupid, pointless rants.

It shall become a place of documentation. Documentation of my hopeful increased happiness.

These lyrics up the top are important to this. For months I thought they were relevant, but only the first part about the chapter closing. At the end of high school, it was like that. It felt like you could actually hear a book closing, defiantly saying that it was the end of that chapter. I have had many mixed feelings over whether I would/do like the "new story", but as I was thinking I realised, I don't think I've "heard" this chapter opening. I don't think I've really had a defining moment where I have heard this new book open and I think it's really important for me that that happens. Even if, right now, I'm not too comfortable with these new "clothes" and all, this new chapter is rebound in better clothes and I will like the way this story goes. I'm determined.

So, blogging is going to become a more weekly thing for me now. I will write about my week if I feel anything was worth talking about. At the end of each post I will document and count things I find important to feel happier.

For example:
- Amount of exercise (hoping to increase)
- Mild-serious anxiety (hoping to decrease)
- Number of new people spoken to (increase)
- Times I have felt good about how I looked before leaving the house (increase)
etc.

I will hopefully be able to see a decrease in the negative things and an increase in the positives.

I saw a thing in the newspaper about "happiness bloggers" and their blogs about... being happy in your life. One woman said she likes to make a list of things that make her happy and when you are feeling sad, upset, angry or just plain crappy, do something on that list. I'm going to make that list... Stay tuned for the official post.

So, basically, I'm deciding that bad stuff happens and it's OK that you get upset but you can get over it and you can decide to be happy, even if that bad stuff is still there inside you. That is basically what this is all about.

... Gosh, I am deep.

Nobody Asked You, Patrice!

You know what I find somewhat interesting? How quickly moods can change. I mean, how one can go from being seemingly happy and fine with everything to wanting to cry their eyes out within the space of a minute or so.

That's what I have found anyway, especially in the past couple of days.

During the day at uni, I am all good. I am in classes, trying to learn, or trying to stay awake in the case of PSYC1040 (Research Methods & Statistics 1...). During breaks I usually see a couple of my friends, eat some lunch, go study in the library and after all my classes, I go home. I feel pretty good during the day, albeit usually tired. Then, once I get on the bus or train, my mood just... plummets. Especially the train, lately. It seems like, when I am around others, I can feel OK, but once I am left alone with my own thoughts, everything that has been upsetting me lately just pops into my head and doesn't leave until I'm surrounded by other people and activities.

I guess it's the fact that being at university, around people and learning distracts my mind but when I am alone, there is nothing to distract me.

So, there are a couple of things that have happened in my life in the past month or two that have been... hard to deal with and those are the things that have been jumping into my mind several times a day. When I think about it, the only word I can use to describe it is 'haunting'. Sounds kinda creepy... But, it feels like these things are haunting me. Especially one thing. It feels like this... 'person' is haunting me and will not leave me alone. I feel like the only thing that will get rid of it is some sort of closure, but I have no clue how to get that.

On Sunday I got some kind of closure about another that has been upsetting me and that isn't worrying me as much. It is still upsetting, but I am feeling better about it and trying to think that it will be OK.

I got some sort of closure about another thing on Friday and am slowly getting better in that regard.

That just leaves one thing...

I've told my mum about these things upsetting me and how I'm sick of feeling sad about them and how I feel I shouldn't still upset about them and she has told me that it's OK to be sad.

I mean, I know that, but there's a difference between not thinking it's OK to be sad and just being sick of it. I'm over it and do not know how I can get this stuff to stop haunting my mind.

----------------------------------------END DEPRESSING POST----------------------------------------------

So, I have finally found a new anime that I am really into and am slowly catching up with, which is really cool. It is called Ano Natsu de Matteru (Waiting in the Summer) and it is about a group of friends who meet a new girl and her strange friend and decide to film a movie together. The main guy has obvious feelings for the new girl who begins living with him but it turns out she is an alien, though no one knows yet (I've only seen 4 episodes). It is actually quite good and really quite funny. Also... LOVE TRIANGLES FTW, yo. I needed a romance-y anime, since the only other one I've been watching lately is Another which is horror.

OH! I forgot about Chihayafuru... I'm so behind in that. Even though I didn't love it, I feel like I need to finish it, even though I have my own ideas on how it will end... It's probably finished by now. Whoops.

Just checked and it's not finished yet, haha.

Well, I think I have to go cook risotto now... Mmm. Hopefully it is good :)

-------------------------------------------------MUCH LATER-------------------------------------------------------

My risotto was delicious :)   I'm off to bed now as tomorrow I must arise for church and then go out for lunch to celebrate my grandmother's 82nd or 83rd (I keep forgetting) birthday :)

... And then come home and study *sigh*