It's Like Paintball, Only With Naps!

I have three weeks left of school. Ever. To be specific, 14 days not including weekends. 14.

When I was younger, I had many dreams about what I wanted to be when I grew up, as I guess everyone did. The older I got, the less of an idea I had. I guess it's because, when we're kids, we know we have ages to decide. We also don't realise the work that has to go into being any of these things. I didn't know the work that would be involved in being a farmer or a ballerina, let alone a farming ballerina (Yes, I wanted to do this at one stage at my life). The older you get, the more realistic you get. You realise that things aren't that easy. You can actually see some sort of a future ahead of you, so you realise how important your decisions and career actually is, as opposed to some fun, childish dream.

I'm extremely envious of all those people who have just always known what they want to be. They know what they love, they know what they're good at, they have a passion and they've always had a dream. Miss Invisible's one of them. Ever since I met her, 6 years ago, she wanted to be a vet or basically, work with animals. When you're like, 11 or 12, lots of little girls want to be vets and adults don't really expect that to be their dream forever, but Miss Invisible's dream hasn't wavered. Sure, she now wants to work with wild animals like lions and tigers and elephants etc., but she's kept her dream and her passion and I think it's pretty cool.

Since I was younger (once I got over the farming ballerina stage (look, it's not that weird. My grandfather was a farmer, so I guess I was inspired by him or something, and I was a little girl- I wanted to be a pretty ballerina. I was creative- I created my own job. Imaging a ballerina dancing around cows in the country is amusing though...) and grew up a little), I've wanted to be a teacher. I don't exactly know why. I think it's a combination of the fact that my dad was a teacher and I always loved correcting things. Anything. I'd correct anything my brother's wrote and loved it. We had a whiteboard on an easel and I loved playing schools with my brother. I was always the teacher though. I'd love to give them spelling tests and correct them.

I grew up and things changed again. I wanted to be an author at one stage. An interior decorator at one stage. These dreams were always short-lived and everything came back to teaching. It didn't matter then, because I had years to figure it out.

It's gotten worse over the past two or so years. And this year's been the worst of all. The closer I get to graduating and starting university where I am supposed to study something to give me a career I want, the more indecisive I become. I go from wanting to study Psychology but not wanting to be a Psychologist, to wanting to learn Spanish so I can go to Spain, to maybe wanting to be a Psychologist after all, to wanting to be an instrumental teacher, to wanting to study Psychology but not be a Psychologist again, to wanting to study Japanese so I can go to Japan and now, where I am again, wanting to be an instrumental teacher. I've gone through all of those phases many times this year and I am on the edge now.

Heaps of people are all, "I'd want to be a teacher, but I hate the thought of having to spend the rest of my life in school." I understand that, for some people, but not for me. I was talking to this guy from school on the bus once and he told me he kinda wants to be a teacher (which kinda surprised me) and told me that it might be weird, but he loves school. I've thought about that many times and realised I'm the same. Now, this year, I've hated school. Hated it. But there's so much I love about it. I love knowing everything about this place. I love knowing where everything is, who everyone is, where I should go, when I should go there, what I'll be doing once I'm there and who'll be there with me. It's just so comfortable. I just know my place and I like that. I know that's bad and I really need to get out of my comfort zone and I can't always live in a sheltered society where I know everything and uni is going to help me start that, but I still love the comfort.

Ever since I was around 12 years old, people have told me I'd make a good teacher. I don't know why they've told me that. I'm pretty impatient. I yelled at my brothers when I tried to teach them flute because they couldn't get the embouchure right... But, I dunno, they're my brothers, it's different.

Now, you may be thinking, "OK. You've always had this thing for teaching. You love school. People say you'd be good. Well... become a teacher. What the heck's your problem, girl?" You would be justified in thinking that. But... It's the problem of qualifications. I want to teach instruments, if anything. Woodwind. But, I don't want to study music. Studying education would be OK, because the Instrumental Music Teaching Subject looks pretty doable, but the only other relevant elective subject is Classroom Music and I just know I couldn't do it. It's not just a lack of faith in myself and my abilities or anything, I just can't play piano and I can't sing and I can't memorise piano pieces and sing intervals and stuff like that, which is required. I don't have that many musical skills. I could get them, but I don't want to do the things that would involve gaining those skills.

I would like to be a private tuition teacher. I could teach kids how to play the flute and saxophone from a room in my house (once I finally move out, that is...), but that's not a full-time job and I worry that no one would want to be taught by some random in her house. And, although that sounds cool for awhile and doesn't require as many qualifications (All my high school experience looks half-impressive written down, to people who aren't in the music business, so they're likely not to care as much if I don't have a degree), but I'd want to go to a school at some stage. That requires qualifications. Qualifications I won't have.

I just have a great dream of living alone in an old, but not decrepit, two bedroom home in an inner city suburb and having quirky stuff all through my house, having it looked lived-in (not overly clean, but not messy) and a pet cat and shelf of movies and box sets of my favourite TV shows and anime and a book shelf full of books and manga. Every morning I'll get up and drive in my old bomb of a car to the school I work at and I'll teach kids to play the flute and saxophone and maybe, someday, the clarinet too. I'll drive home in the afternoon and be in my quiet, peaceful home. Some nights I'll go out with friends, to a restaurant or coffee shops or shopping or something. On weekends I'll have with friends. Some times I'll go out for coffee with my mum, because she won't want to come to my house too much due to her being allergic to cats. Once a week or fortnight, I'll go to the gym and totes be fit. I'll go for morning walks as well. I'll have movie nights and mexican fiesta nights with friends. I'll be independent and be doing what I want.

That's my dream and I want it so bad. I wish I could graduate from school and go straight to that. I just don't know how I can get to that.

I wish someone could just come up to me say, "You're going to do *insert career here* and you're going to be good at it and love it and this is how you're going to get there- *insert uni course here* and that is actually doable." I need that. Bad.

Aulophobia - Fear Of Flutes.

So, when preparing for instrumental exams, I have a theory. There is always that ONE song that you hate. You'll hate it because, whether or not it is technically more difficult than the others, it's hardest for you to play. You'll hate it because, it may not be hard, you just hate the song itself, whether you can play it well or not. You'll hate it because it has caused you the most grief leading up to the exam for these reasons.

I am currently preparing for two exams this year- my grade 5 tenor saxophone and grade 7 flute. I have previously done 3 exams and all of these have proven my theory.

My first proper instrumental exam was my grade 4 flute last year. My hated song: Comic Song. It was the last song I learnt out of the three and, even though it looks very simple, it, for some reason, caused me a lot of grief to play. I look back at it now and want to cringe, because it looks so simple, but it was my worst then. And besides, it was a pretty lame song, anyway.

My next exam was my grade 3 saxophone. My hated song was called Plaza De Toros. Now, I don't know why, I just never liked it. I didn't find it fun and I didn't like the sound of it. My instrumental teacher loved it, however. I'm pretty sure I got a pretty good mark for it, regardless.

The next exam was my grade 5 flute, towards the end of last year. This is what I think about when thinking of my theory. My hated piece was Handel's 8th Sonata in F Major, Movement 2, Allegro. This piece was the death of me. I detested it. Now, actually, it's a pretty nice piece and I don't hate the piece itself. I just hated playing it. I, and the other girl in my flute group, had great difficulty playing this song. It made instrumental lessons dreadful as we would stuff up almost constantly and our teacher would get frustrated and yell, almost constantly. We would go through our scales and other pieces and then she would groan and say, "Now, get out the Handel...." and the other girl and I would internally panic a bit. It was awful. Come to think of it, it took me awhile to like another grade 5 piece of mine called Rumbah. I did like it in the end though, and actually enjoyed playing it. Basically, the preparation for that exam was awful, but the result at the end was good.

Now, I am supposed to be doing my grade 5 saxophone at the end of August and there is an obvious hated song. It is called Saxsequential. I actually kinda like the piece, it's fun and lively, which is a contrast from my two other pieces, which are quite emotional. I cannot play it though. The articulation, the dynamics, the swung rhythms (actually, I find that quite easy), the random accidentals, the entire second half of the song. My other pieces are fine. One is quite good, the other can be good if I play my top notes well. My scales are fine and I'm sure it won't take too long for me to get the hang of the aural tests again. It's just this song. If anything lets me down in this exam, it'll be this song. I've been practicing it this morning and playing it through slowly. It's strange, but with this piece, sometimes I'll play it at home and it'll suck. I'll freak out in my lesson, play it, and it'll be fine, even good. Then, I'll play it at home and it'll be pretty good. I'll turn up to my lesson and it'll be terrible. It makes no sense. Ugh.

For my flute exam, it's harder to choose, as I don't have all my pieces yet. I have a feeling it will be my study, though, called Boiling Point. I don't like it, already. And, again, my instrumental teacher loves it. It feels... weird to me. It's interesting and unusual and it doesn't look very difficult. It's not really difficult, but for some reason, I find it hard. I cannot play it well at all.

Oh well. I'm pretty sure blogging about the pieces I can't play isn't going to help me play them any better.

Guys, my computer's sound isn't working. I was trying to watch the TVTropes video of the week, but I couldn't hear anything. When I press the volume buttons, I could hear the sound it makes to tell you you've turned it up, but no videos are making sound. How am I supposed to check the rhythm in a section of my sax piece and then laugh at the TVTropes video and ship the main guy and girl together (they have total BST, guys. Cannot wait till they do that trope) when my sound isn't working?!?

Also, there is ONE chapter of a manga I'm downloading that won't work. ONE CHAPTER. Sigh. All of the others work fine. Why is this one different? Hm? It's in a different format to the 17 chapters before it. Why would you do that? The chapter after it works fine too. So dumb. Gosh. I guess I'll download all the other chapters and read that one online, even though I hate reading manga online.

I Really Like Swung Rhythms...

So, I had an interesting experience today. An experience that just calls out for a blog post.

We had PE in last period today. Phantomess, White Ribbon and I didn't want to go. We wanted to study for our Maths exam next week. We believed our PE assessment (coaching grade 7s in groups) was on Friday. We went to me and Phantomess' instrumental teacher and asked if we could hang in her room to study instead of going to PE. She said that was fine; she always says it's fine. She also said she was having a meeting with the principal so we'd be in there alone. That was all good with us, of course. She left and we waited for our PE class to go far away before going to our lockers to get books, food (I hadn't had any time to eat my chicken salad at lunch and was STARVING) and so Phantomess could get changed out of her PE uniform (she got changed into her PE uniform before deciding to skip). While waiting, we realised one of the PE classes was actually doing their lesson on some grass near our lockers. Yes, we were trapped in the instrumental room. No maths book. No chicken salad. Phantomess in her uniform. So, we looked in instrumental books, played keyboard etc. After quite awhile, Phantomess was sitting at the drum kit, I was sitting on the floor and I believe White Ribbon was too. Then, Phantomess said, "Um. Instrumental Teacher is coming. With Principal," and White Ribbon and I jumped off the floor and stood near Phantomess at the drum kit. They walked in, with some random guy. Instrumental Teacher gave us some funny looks. Principal was all, "Hello ladies," and we said hello. We were so awkward but stood their mumbling to each other about music and instrumental exams so we could sound like good students (even though we were skipping class) while Principal and Instrumental Teacher were kinda promoting the school's Music Department to this other random guy. They left after a bit and we all proceeded to freak out. We were in there, skipping class, doing NOTHING when the school's principal walked in. Not good!

After school, Phantomess and I went up to see Instrumental Teacher to apologise because we freaked out that she'd get in trouble for letting kids in her room instead of making them go to class. She laughed at us and said we had hilarious facial expressions. She said she would have covered for us and said, "They were rehearsing," if the principal had asked but apparently, he didn't care. Thank goodness, cause Phantomess and I were flippin' out.

That was my interesting story of the day...

So, it's nearly 8:15pm and I'm thinking I should start my work.

Oh, hey Blogger. Didn't see you there?

I have to write a reply to my good ol' friend, Old Man. He and I started a tradition of writing letters to each other last year. Mine are usually random, sometimes depressing and ranty, while his are always extremely deep, vague and often depressing. I don't usually know what he's talking about so I answer the few things he said in plain english, and then ramble about what I'm doing. I've been very slack in replying to his letters this year and it makes me feel kinda bad. I realised how much he relies on this communication, so I'm trying my best to reply to him ASAP.

Tonight I decided on a new anime I'm going to watch, since Ano Hana's ongoing and I'm up to date already. I wonder what day Episode 8 will be out... Anyway, I'm going to try watching Durarara!! Reading the TVTropes page right now. Seems kinda strange, but looks definitely worth a try. Ooooooh! Jun Fukuyama voices someone in it! I like him! AND, there's a Jerkass in the series. Definitely gains extra points with me. Love Triangle? Mmm. Manipulative Bastard?! Yes, please. Tsundere. I'm so in.

Anyway, I think I'll watch the first episode of this tomorrow. Not now. Because I just wasted 10 minutes..

My dad just walked in and asked if I'd tried to ring him... I was all, "No......"
He said someone called him and their was no caller ID. He got a text saying, "I'm tryin to ring u" and he said, "Who are you?" and then the person replied with my name. My justification to him was, "I'd never spell 'I'm trying to ring you' like that, come on." WEIRD.

Fudgeballs and crudballs. TVTROPES IS RUINING MY LIFE. I should NOT be reading the anime/western animation examples for "Alternate Character Interpretation." Bad. OOOH. Total Drama has a section in the western animation examples. "

• Duncan: Is he a guy who's mean on the surface but genuinely cares about his friends and girlfriend(s)? Or is he a cheating, heartbreaking bastard who's a jerkass to the core?"Interesting indeeed... Pretty sure I'd love him either way. 
• "Alejandro: A Jerk Ass Woobie type of guy who just wants to beat his brother at something for once in his life? Or just is he just a douche?" Yet again, who cares? I'd love him either way as well. 

OK. I'm off. Off to get some frozen yoghurt and ask my ex-high-school-maths-teacher dad for help with my maths. Yeah, that's right folks. I'm finally getting off my butt to do something at 8:35pm... *facepalm*

Wait. What? 

There Are Many Good Reasons to Eat- Hunger, Boredom, Wanting to Be The World's Fattest Man... But Not Revenge

^ Truer words have never been spoken ^

This shall be a post about that wonderful institution known as school... Ugh. My opinions of school and attitudes towards it have changed so much over the years, but let's not go into that. Seeing as though I am only months away from graduating (HALLELUJAH!), I though I would write about that things I will miss and the things I definitely will not miss.

Before this, however, I shall grace you all with the graduating speech given by Daria in the movie/series finale "Is It College Yet?" This is the speech she gives after being announced as valedictorian, or something similar.

" I'm not much for public speaking. Or much for speaking. Or, come to think of it, much for the public. And I'm not very good at lying. So let me just say that, in my experience, high school sucks. If I had to do it all over again, I'd have started advanced placement classes in preschool so I could go from eighth grade straight to college. However, given the unalterable fact that high school sucks, I'd like to add that if you're lucky enough to have a good friend and a family that cares it doesn't have to suck quite as much. Otherwise my advice is; Stand firm for what you believe in, until and unless experience proves you wrong. Remember, when the emperor looks naked, the emperor *is* naked. The truth and a lie are not sort of the same thing. And there is no aspect, no facet, no moment of life that can't be improved with pizza. Thank you. "

Best. Graduation. Speech. Ever. Moving on.

10 Things I Will Definitely Not Miss About High School:

1. Oral assignments. Detest them. They make my heart race faster than ever. They make my palms sweat. They make me talk at like, over 200 words a minute or something. They make me stumble and stutter. They make me cry. A lot. They genuinely terrify me.

2. PE. Again, detest it. It is awful. Sure, I have had some fun PE lessons, but more awful ones. I am terrible, nay, dismal, at PE. It is humiliating, degrading, condescending and just overall UGH. \


3. Lectures from teachers. You know, when they give the class a lecture and try and pull a guilt trip on you all? Annoying, because you know that no one's listening or caring.

4. Chapel services. Yes, I am a proud Christian and I'm all cool with worship and player and reading the Bible etc., but my school's chapel services are SNORETASTIC. We have annoying chaplain/priest dudes, annoying kids doing lame skits, lame hymns or the occasional catchy song sung by a teacher who can't sing for his life, and none of it means anything to 99.99% of the student population.

5. Concert band/Intermediate band. Concert band started off as the Junior Band at my school. I, along with two good friends and some other seniors, was put into this band to play our second instruments. I was fine with this until I saw the music. And heard the junior kids. Oh my goodness. Every rehearsal would be my teacher yelling at the little kids who couldn't play while I sat there thinking about how I could most likely play this music in my sleep. Intermediate band started this year. It was supposed to be better than Concert Band but not quite as good as Senior Symphonic Wind Ensemble (the band I play in on flute). It's just as bad, if not sometimes worse, than Concert Band. It is awful and one of the worst parts of my week.

6. Maths test. Eugh. I often stress out. I cannot think of how to actually do anything. I freak out a lot. Or I sit there going, "Oh well. If I write something it'll be OK," but generally I freak out. They are awful and one of the worst things ever created by man.

7. Physics test. Yeah. Basically the same as above. The only difference is that I like Physics. The exams, however, are brutal. I've only done like, 3 over the past year and a half. And one of them was like, half an assignment. Unless I'm forgetting one exam.. Hm. Anyway, the last Physics exam nearly broke me down into tears. In a way, it's worse because I like Physics more, but suck at exams.

8. Music Composition assignments. Awful. I suck at composing. Like, seriously. I cannot compose for my life. Even though I generally know the theory behind a basic composition, I completely forget when it comes to actually writing one. Way to bring my mark down. My compositions are generally around C, C+, B-...

9. Blue Reef. Our security system on the computers that blocks a LOT of pages with no valid reason. You can just be researching away and find a site and be all, "OMG! THIS SITE COULD ACTUALLY HELP ME! HALLELUJAH!" and then you click on it, only to find that Blue Reef has blocked it. Die, Blue Reef, die.

10. *this is really hard to come up with because I have many other things I could list here...* Physics homework. I don't get much, but when I do, it's awful. In class I'm all, "Yeah. I get this! Whoop! Party time!" and then I get home being all, "Yeah. I can do this homework! Party time!" and then I look at the homework and go, "Um. Wait. WHAT? I CAN'T DO THIS!"

10 Things I Definitely Will Miss About High School:

1. Bludge lessons with Mrs Best Sub Teacher. Everyone loves this woman. We do truly nothing whenever she covers one of our classes. If you see her walking around school, everyone goes, "WHO'S SHE COVERING TODAY???" and man people go and ask her.

2. Those wonderfully fun instrumental lessons with either Phantomess or Gojo where we get the teacher off track and talk and laugh and play and no one cares if you fail.

3. Skipping PE for instrumental lessons. Especially when we tell her we couldn't be stuffed to actually play and we sit on the ground and do nothing instead and then tell the PE teacher, "We had instrumental."

4. Those very rare great PE lessons when I'm in a team with all my friends and we all suck and epic fail but clap and cheer at each other's failures and just act stupid. That's what PE should be.

5. Really good, bludgy English lessons where the teacher jokes with us and doesn't make us do too much work. Like today.

6. Physics lessons. I will miss them so much. Talking with Miss Invisible. Laughing a lot with Miss Invisible. Realising we missed everything the teacher said. Whoops. Arguing a lot with Albino. Having Mr T&C take my side and then leave the room to go find some tuna. Getting help from Epic Physics Nerd and making jokes with... Band Camp Bro (lame name, but when I think of him, I think of band camp...).

7. Those great lunch times filled with arguments, stupid jokes and a whole lot of yelling and laughing over the table.

8. Making snarky or dirty comments in the back of English class. Well, most classes, but mainly English class.

9. Maths lessons with White Ribbon. We have the funniest times. Her writing "Jim" (inside joke, y'all) on nearly every page and laughing hysterically and freaking out other people and just acting like we're high on drugs. Other maths lessons suck, but the ones when I go with her are best.

10. Going to musicals. Yes, I can go to musicals outside of school, and I have, but going with the school is so much fun. The bus ride there filled with so much anticipation. The snack before when we are so excited/giving joking death stares to other schools. The freaking out in the minutes before going in. The freaking out when we've sat down and seen the stage. THE SHOW. The crazy, high intermission. The excitement afterwards. The talking and talking and talking about the show. The hanging out at the cafes afterwards and when we try and cram ice cream in our mouths in time. The joy when we are allowed to go to The Lolly Shop and the shop's filled with kids from our school. The bus ride back, filled with utter tiredness, happiness, lollies and just... joy :D   I will miss those Wednesday matinees so much.

Wow. I found it easier to find things I'll miss  :)

Anyway, this post took a LOT longer than anticipated and I was supposed to have done some practice by now... Heh. Whoops. I'm listening to me Happy Playlist. It's actually called ' :D ' Yep. A playlist I created of songs that make me happy and make me smile or laugh or dance. It might sound sad or pathetic, but who cares? It's good music to listen to when I'm in a good mood and sometimes in a bad mood. It is a mixture of Queen, Relient K, some All-American Rejects, catchy songs from animes like Special A, Fruits Basket and Kaichou wa Maid-Sama and... a little David Harris (LOL, only "So Close")

BYE MY BLOGTASTIC FRIENDS :D

Phantomess, Tenuto Tuo and I painted this in the art room. We aren't even art students. We used their paint. We made a masterpiece. Go ahead, bask in its glory. 

And Now We Yell In Fortissimo…

So, I just had a weird emotional moment before doing some flute practice. It was pretty weird and cheesy and unexpected and nostalgic and completely out-of-the-blue but I have finally realised some things.

Beware, what I say next may sound excessively lame and cheesy and just WEIRD. You have been warned.

Anywho, so, I'm setting up my flute and cleaning it (Yeah. I clean before I play, because I couldn't be stuffed to clean it after band this morning) and something (I can't remember what) made me feel some weird connection with this metal stick that makes music. I started thinking of it as my friend, in a way. I realised that it's actually pretty special to me. I mean, I talk to it. I'm always apologising to it when I don't take care of it or when I get angry at it when I can't play. Just like I talk to many inanimate objects.

But I realised I don't ever really blame my instrument when I suck at playing. I always know it's me. I've never hated the flute. I have hated playing the flute and I have hated my lack of talent and the pressure that comes with playing the flute, but I've always loved the flute. I think it's a beautiful instrument that makes beautiful music. I often feel as though I am shaming it.

I really do personify my flute. That's what I realised this afternoon, sitting on the floor cleaning the body joint.

I also realised I really don't want to give up music after school. I may have lost some of my passion, but I'm still a muso at heart. I still love music jokes and I love sitting up the back of my music class knowing everything the teacher's saying because it's easy and I've learnt it all through instrumental.

I don't mind band. Well, not the junior one I'm in, that one sucks. But my other band, in which I am first flute and the section leader of the flutes, is alright. I mean, it's pretty cool playing with so many other people and different instruments and, when I think about it, I think I've learnt a lot about being an instrumentalist from being in bands.

I like a lot of things about being a muso and an instrumentalist and, in a moment before playing my flute this afternoon, I realised just how different my life could be if I give it up entirely, as I had planned. Well, I hadn't planned to give it up ENTIRELY. I was planning on keeping my flute, hoping to buy or hire a tenor saxophone eventually and just play them for fun when I feel like it. This still could make my life SO different.

I don't want to give it up. Before tonight, I had pretty much decided that I was going to study a Bachelor of Arts next year, majoring in Psychology and Spanish because I realised how interested I am in both of those and how I have loved both for years. I could major in music, but I'd have to compromise one of those. I don't want to. I love the idea of doing Psychology and Spanish. I really want to and I was so happy with that plan, but now I'm not so sure.

The music major in the Bachelor of Arts looks SO boring and no careers in music have ever really interested me. I know I could do Psychology and Music and get into Music Therapy.. But that doesn't interest me.

I got really nostalgic holding my flute. I realised I had been through a lot with this little instrument. I mean, I have only owned my own flute since June last year, but still. I have played this instrument since grade 4, when I was only 8 years old. Dang, I have grown up and changed a LOT since then and so has my playing and my attitude towards playing.

My current flute has been with me since the day I did my first exam, last year. I did my grade 4 exam and we went to the shop downstairs from the examination room and my mum bought me a flute. I was so excited. I immediately texted my teacher to tell her. It has been through Band Camp with me, many performances, my grade 5 flute exam and most recently, has been through The Instrumental Recession of 2010/2011.

Now, I'm particularly emotional lately and whatnot. So, like, I cried. Yep. That's right. I was sitting there on my floor, surrounded by flute cleaning equipment, holding my flute crying. Only for a little bit. Then I got up and played. My practice went pretty well, too.

I really need to consider my options. How can I fit Psychology, Music and Spanish into my life? That's what I need to work out...

SCARY FLAUTIST.

Talented artist, man.