I have three weeks left of school. Ever. To be specific, 14 days not including weekends. 14.
When I was younger, I had many dreams about what I wanted to be when I grew up, as I guess everyone did. The older I got, the less of an idea I had. I guess it's because, when we're kids, we know we have ages to decide. We also don't realise the work that has to go into being any of these things. I didn't know the work that would be involved in being a farmer or a ballerina, let alone a farming ballerina (Yes, I wanted to do this at one stage at my life). The older you get, the more realistic you get. You realise that things aren't that easy. You can actually see some sort of a future ahead of you, so you realise how important your decisions and career actually is, as opposed to some fun, childish dream.
I'm extremely envious of all those people who have just always known what they want to be. They know what they love, they know what they're good at, they have a passion and they've always had a dream. Miss Invisible's one of them. Ever since I met her, 6 years ago, she wanted to be a vet or basically, work with animals. When you're like, 11 or 12, lots of little girls want to be vets and adults don't really expect that to be their dream forever, but Miss Invisible's dream hasn't wavered. Sure, she now wants to work with wild animals like lions and tigers and elephants etc., but she's kept her dream and her passion and I think it's pretty cool.
Since I was younger (once I got over the farming ballerina stage (look, it's not that weird. My grandfather was a farmer, so I guess I was inspired by him or something, and I was a little girl- I wanted to be a pretty ballerina. I was creative- I created my own job. Imaging a ballerina dancing around cows in the country is amusing though...) and grew up a little), I've wanted to be a teacher. I don't exactly know why. I think it's a combination of the fact that my dad was a teacher and I always loved correcting things. Anything. I'd correct anything my brother's wrote and loved it. We had a whiteboard on an easel and I loved playing schools with my brother. I was always the teacher though. I'd love to give them spelling tests and correct them.
I grew up and things changed again. I wanted to be an author at one stage. An interior decorator at one stage. These dreams were always short-lived and everything came back to teaching. It didn't matter then, because I had years to figure it out.
It's gotten worse over the past two or so years. And this year's been the worst of all. The closer I get to graduating and starting university where I am supposed to study something to give me a career I want, the more indecisive I become. I go from wanting to study Psychology but not wanting to be a Psychologist, to wanting to learn Spanish so I can go to Spain, to maybe wanting to be a Psychologist after all, to wanting to be an instrumental teacher, to wanting to study Psychology but not be a Psychologist again, to wanting to study Japanese so I can go to Japan and now, where I am again, wanting to be an instrumental teacher. I've gone through all of those phases many times this year and I am on the edge now.
Heaps of people are all, "I'd want to be a teacher, but I hate the thought of having to spend the rest of my life in school." I understand that, for some people, but not for me. I was talking to this guy from school on the bus once and he told me he kinda wants to be a teacher (which kinda surprised me) and told me that it might be weird, but he loves school. I've thought about that many times and realised I'm the same. Now, this year, I've hated school. Hated it. But there's so much I love about it. I love knowing everything about this place. I love knowing where everything is, who everyone is, where I should go, when I should go there, what I'll be doing once I'm there and who'll be there with me. It's just so comfortable. I just know my place and I like that. I know that's bad and I really need to get out of my comfort zone and I can't always live in a sheltered society where I know everything and uni is going to help me start that, but I still love the comfort.
Ever since I was around 12 years old, people have told me I'd make a good teacher. I don't know why they've told me that. I'm pretty impatient. I yelled at my brothers when I tried to teach them flute because they couldn't get the embouchure right... But, I dunno, they're my brothers, it's different.
Now, you may be thinking, "OK. You've always had this thing for teaching. You love school. People say you'd be good. Well... become a teacher. What the heck's your problem, girl?" You would be justified in thinking that. But... It's the problem of qualifications. I want to teach instruments, if anything. Woodwind. But, I don't want to study music. Studying education would be OK, because the Instrumental Music Teaching Subject looks pretty doable, but the only other relevant elective subject is Classroom Music and I just know I couldn't do it. It's not just a lack of faith in myself and my abilities or anything, I just can't play piano and I can't sing and I can't memorise piano pieces and sing intervals and stuff like that, which is required. I don't have that many musical skills. I could get them, but I don't want to do the things that would involve gaining those skills.
I would like to be a private tuition teacher. I could teach kids how to play the flute and saxophone from a room in my house (once I finally move out, that is...), but that's not a full-time job and I worry that no one would want to be taught by some random in her house. And, although that sounds cool for awhile and doesn't require as many qualifications (All my high school experience looks half-impressive written down, to people who aren't in the music business, so they're likely not to care as much if I don't have a degree), but I'd want to go to a school at some stage. That requires qualifications. Qualifications I won't have.
I just have a great dream of living alone in an old, but not decrepit, two bedroom home in an inner city suburb and having quirky stuff all through my house, having it looked lived-in (not overly clean, but not messy) and a pet cat and shelf of movies and box sets of my favourite TV shows and anime and a book shelf full of books and manga. Every morning I'll get up and drive in my old bomb of a car to the school I work at and I'll teach kids to play the flute and saxophone and maybe, someday, the clarinet too. I'll drive home in the afternoon and be in my quiet, peaceful home. Some nights I'll go out with friends, to a restaurant or coffee shops or shopping or something. On weekends I'll have with friends. Some times I'll go out for coffee with my mum, because she won't want to come to my house too much due to her being allergic to cats. Once a week or fortnight, I'll go to the gym and totes be fit. I'll go for morning walks as well. I'll have movie nights and mexican fiesta nights with friends. I'll be independent and be doing what I want.
That's my dream and I want it so bad. I wish I could graduate from school and go straight to that. I just don't know how I can get to that.
I wish someone could just come up to me say, "You're going to do *insert career here* and you're going to be good at it and love it and this is how you're going to get there- *insert uni course here* and that is actually doable." I need that. Bad.
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