My Life Right Now

You know what would make a really nice addition to my life right now? Some consistency.

Not consistency in my surroundings, the people around me, or my living situation. That's all stable enough. Consistency with my emotions.

Right now, I'm in a really good place, emotionally. I have felt quite genuinely happy all day. And last night I felt this good as well. Throughout the day yesterday, I felt fine. Not exactly good, but fine. But Monday night through to Wednesday morning, I felt awful.

I didn't want to go to uni. At all. I was really dreading it and getting quite anxious. It was very reminiscent of the way I would most nights & mornings in Year 12. I'd be happy that I was finally home and I'd chill out, do some homework etc. and then I'd think about the next day and fall apart. The fact that I'd been feeling like that this week was distressing to me. I don't want to end up back there. And yes, I keep telling myself things like, "Just go. It'll be fine when you get there. Every other day has been fine and you've gotten through them," and generally, it's true.

It wasn't so true for Tuesday. It was just a yuck day. I felt yuck all day. Yuck because I'm slowly recovering from a cold and yuck because I just felt cruddy. I didn't want to be there at all and nothing there really changed my mind.

All I've really felt like doing lately is sleeping. I have trouble getting to sleep at night and extreme difficulty waking up in the morning. It's not great. Because of this and my cold, I've fallen waaay behind in any kind of exercising. I've been walking, but that's about it. I can't run at the moment cause of my legs, but I'm going to see the Physio soon to get that sorted. Strength workouts have barely been in my mind. I'm not motivated enough yet. I think once I can run again and my cold goes away and my sleeping gets better, I'll do more. I hope so, anyway.

~This is now being written on Friday; before this was written on Thursday~

Yesterday stayed really good. We went grocery shopping (weird, I know, but I find it fun...) and then had dinner out as a family and it was really nice.

Today I had to wake up at 5:30, in the pitch dark, to leave the house at 6:45 to go to uni. Usually I encounter pretty bad traffic, but today there was none. I got to uni early and in a great mood. I really enjoy driving. If it's not super busy and in an area I know and has pretty scenery and I have my music, I'm really happy driving. My day of classes was fine, and then I wrote my assignment for 1.5 hours in the library and drove home.

I drove a very long, round-a-bout way home. It took me an hour instead of 20-30 minutes. I drove through the last two suburbs I lived in. It was really nice. I was driving past all the places I used to go as a kid, where we used to shop, where we used to go for walks, my old school and my last house. It was extremely nostalgic.

I did learn, however, that I need to think of those many memories fondly, but not with sadness. I need to stop wishing I had those times back or wishing that I could live back there instead of here. I mean, those times weren't perfect. And the times here aren't all bad.

I started thinking back to school and I felt... kinda sad for my past self. I don't know why exactly. I think things could have been easier for me if we had realised my anxiety issues earlier, because I'm almost certain I've had this anxiety for many years. Probably the majority of my life. I think it would have made many aspects of high school easier if I'd learnt strategies to deal with it all.

I don't really know what I felt. I thought about life. Deep stuff.

I mean, it can be so touch sometimes. Some days, it's too hard and I'll get to the end of the day and feel some relief that the day has ended, and I just think about the next day and just cannot deal with the fact that another day is coming. Some days are really good. Like yesterday and today. I can just feel good and happy and calm and somewhat... peaceful. But I still don't quite feel like doing the next day. It's just... each day requires so much energy. Energy I don't have. Energy I haven't really had in about 2 years. It's so hard to make it through every day for 2 years with so little energy.

Anyway, I didn't quite intend this post to be so depressing and I'd say sorry, but I'm not sorry, because you can't just pretend and ignore stuff and it can feel good to let it out.