And Now We Yell In Fortissimo…

So, I just had a weird emotional moment before doing some flute practice. It was pretty weird and cheesy and unexpected and nostalgic and completely out-of-the-blue but I have finally realised some things.

Beware, what I say next may sound excessively lame and cheesy and just WEIRD. You have been warned.

Anywho, so, I'm setting up my flute and cleaning it (Yeah. I clean before I play, because I couldn't be stuffed to clean it after band this morning) and something (I can't remember what) made me feel some weird connection with this metal stick that makes music. I started thinking of it as my friend, in a way. I realised that it's actually pretty special to me. I mean, I talk to it. I'm always apologising to it when I don't take care of it or when I get angry at it when I can't play. Just like I talk to many inanimate objects.

But I realised I don't ever really blame my instrument when I suck at playing. I always know it's me. I've never hated the flute. I have hated playing the flute and I have hated my lack of talent and the pressure that comes with playing the flute, but I've always loved the flute. I think it's a beautiful instrument that makes beautiful music. I often feel as though I am shaming it.

I really do personify my flute. That's what I realised this afternoon, sitting on the floor cleaning the body joint.

I also realised I really don't want to give up music after school. I may have lost some of my passion, but I'm still a muso at heart. I still love music jokes and I love sitting up the back of my music class knowing everything the teacher's saying because it's easy and I've learnt it all through instrumental.

I don't mind band. Well, not the junior one I'm in, that one sucks. But my other band, in which I am first flute and the section leader of the flutes, is alright. I mean, it's pretty cool playing with so many other people and different instruments and, when I think about it, I think I've learnt a lot about being an instrumentalist from being in bands.

I like a lot of things about being a muso and an instrumentalist and, in a moment before playing my flute this afternoon, I realised just how different my life could be if I give it up entirely, as I had planned. Well, I hadn't planned to give it up ENTIRELY. I was planning on keeping my flute, hoping to buy or hire a tenor saxophone eventually and just play them for fun when I feel like it. This still could make my life SO different.

I don't want to give it up. Before tonight, I had pretty much decided that I was going to study a Bachelor of Arts next year, majoring in Psychology and Spanish because I realised how interested I am in both of those and how I have loved both for years. I could major in music, but I'd have to compromise one of those. I don't want to. I love the idea of doing Psychology and Spanish. I really want to and I was so happy with that plan, but now I'm not so sure.

The music major in the Bachelor of Arts looks SO boring and no careers in music have ever really interested me. I know I could do Psychology and Music and get into Music Therapy.. But that doesn't interest me.

I got really nostalgic holding my flute. I realised I had been through a lot with this little instrument. I mean, I have only owned my own flute since June last year, but still. I have played this instrument since grade 4, when I was only 8 years old. Dang, I have grown up and changed a LOT since then and so has my playing and my attitude towards playing.

My current flute has been with me since the day I did my first exam, last year. I did my grade 4 exam and we went to the shop downstairs from the examination room and my mum bought me a flute. I was so excited. I immediately texted my teacher to tell her. It has been through Band Camp with me, many performances, my grade 5 flute exam and most recently, has been through The Instrumental Recession of 2010/2011.

Now, I'm particularly emotional lately and whatnot. So, like, I cried. Yep. That's right. I was sitting there on my floor, surrounded by flute cleaning equipment, holding my flute crying. Only for a little bit. Then I got up and played. My practice went pretty well, too.

I really need to consider my options. How can I fit Psychology, Music and Spanish into my life? That's what I need to work out...

SCARY FLAUTIST.

Talented artist, man.