Well, the most important thing would be the fact that, just over a week ago, I graduated high school! I know, right? It's about time. Yet, it's also too soon.
Yesterday I came back from my Schoolies week- a week where you go away with friends and chill out and basically celebrate not being in school anymore. Most teenagers (including the large majority of my year 12 cohort) spent this week partying and drinking. My friends and I, however, spent the week playing Halo, eating a lot, buying cheap classic books, going to the shops to steal the McDonald's free wi-fi, playing Twister, watching random movies, watching Eurovision and insulting a really slow pizza guy. Who needs drugs and alcohol when you can do that?
I proved to myself that I think I can live by myself. Eventually. I don't mind cleaning or washing up and am responsible enough to know when it needs to be done and responsible enough to plan and cook meals. I am conflicted though. I think I could move out, but everything would feel so empty and somewhat strange if it were just me. This week also taught me, however, that I don't think I could live with other people (other than the immediate family I live with now, of course). Now, I love my friends and I had a fun week and all, but I can be quite loner-ish. I need my own time and my own space and I like doing a lot of things my own way. Not in a selfish way, though. I guess I'm just so used to being at home, in my room able to do what I want. Use my computer and do whatever. Listen to whatever music. Watch whatever. And I am just there, alone, with my own thoughts and emotions. I can act however I want and no one will judge me if I'm in an emotional mood and the fact that I dropped something makes me cry. I don't feel self-conscious about my reactions to things, if that makes sense. I just don't think I could ever live with that many people for more than a week. I think I'm going to need to live alone.
So, today, I started on... rebuilding myself, I guess. That's my project for these long holidays before uni starts. I need to do some rebuilding. Simple things at first such as painting my nails, cleaning and changing my room and slowly building up to doing things like getting a funky haircut and dying it all red. I know it's all small, but I need to do this kinda stuff.
Anyway, today I did the first two things I listed. My room is in the process of being cleaned and changed. There are some things, such as the set out of my desk, that haven't been changed (only really small changes) in about 4 or so years. I've been finally throwing things away that I've been keeping for years. You see, I'm a super sentimental person and it results in some hoarding. Today, I threw most of it out. There are things I just can't bring myself to throw out. Mainly school things. I can't bring myself to throw out my textbooks and notebooks and worksheets and things. They just bring back so many memories and I can't do it.
I've also been trying to make my room grow up more. I've gotten rid of a lot of annoying, teenage girl kind of things as I'm growing up now.
Now, everything's so conflicting right now. One minute I'm all, "Look at me cleaning out all my junk! I am SO ready for university and this new chapter of my life!" and then I find something from school that brings back great memories and I'll tear up and be all, "I can't do this. I can't leave school. I'm not ready." I don't think I am ready, but I know I still need to get ready. It doesn't matter if I am too scared to move on from everything, I can't help it. I've graduated high school and I'm, hopefully, going to university next year, so I'm just going to have to get rid of, or at least hide, the stuff that's making me regress into reminiscing and try and prepare myself as much as possible.
Maybe I'm doing all the Materialistic Preparation and Physical Change because I don't know how to get my mind and emotions ready. I guess I think that, if I get rid of my childish belongings and try and re-invent myself by getting a totally new hairstyle, everything inside of me will fall into place and I'll be ready. Or maybe I'm using it to distract myself from the fact that my mind and emotions are so, so not ready for this huge change.
I'm just so scared of next year. It's become worse now that I've realised I don't want to do what I put as my first preference and I don't want to do anything else I put down. I seriously cannot find anything I actually want to do.
You know what I really want to do? Travel. I just want to leave and go to Europe and Canada and New York and Japan. I want to get away from university and the pressures of not knowing what I want to do and just see the wonderful world.
This would be fine if it weren't for the fact that I have no money. If I had money, I would consider actually doing this. I would just get away. But I have like, $25 or something and I'm unemployed.
Great. I just spent like, at least 20 minutes looking up red hair... I found an entire Tumblr blog dedicated to photos of girls with red hair. I couldn't help myself. I just looked through my "Hair" folder which is filled with photos of red hair and some non-red hairstyles for ideas for cuts. They all look so nice and cool and pretty and cute and none of it will look anywhere as good on me. Hair hates me. I have got it cut pretty regularly since I cut half of it off just over 3 years ago and I try to get nice or somewhat stylish hairstyles. They generally look pretty good for the first day or two, but because I don't know how to use a straightener and blow-dryer very well and don't have the motivation to spend half-an-hour on my hair each day it never stays looking that good. Once I get this next style though, I think I'm going to try and give a damn. I want it to finally look good. I am actually deliberately and majorly changing my appearance and I want it to look the way I want for more than a day after it's done, so I guess I'm going to have to learn how to style it properly. I'm even heavily considering doing something else to change my appearance that I didn't think I'd do for a long time. It's not overly dramatic or anything, it's just dramatic for me and I think it'll surprise my mum when I get the guts to ask her. It is, also, going to mean I'll need more motivation to leave even more time to get ready each morning. I think that'll be tough.
Guys, my hair's not even shoulder length yet. I kinda want it to grow, but I've loved having short hair these past years. You see, I have extremely thick hair. Therefore, having hair anywhere past my shoulders made it very knotty, somewhat frizzy and, because of my lack of style and motivation (and the fact that I was much younger and didn't care as much), ultimately boring. I've had many more interesting styles over the years and my hair over this past year has probably been some of my favourite. Sometimes. I generally like how it's been the past few months (since I got it cut for the formal), but it is boring and I always have it tucked behind my ears. It often looks better over my ears, but I automatically tuck it behind my ears early in the morning and that causes the ends to stick out under my ears and, therefore, if I untuck it, it sticks out and looks stupid, so my hair stays tucked behind my ears forever. Ugh. It was SO hard to keep it over my ears for the formal but I was determined to keep my hair in place and not looking stupid or lame for at least one night. It worked :)
I almost want to get my hair cut uber short, like above the ears, pixie-style kinda thing, but it would be very unlikely it would turn out OK. So, for the moment, I'm sticking with a bob. Bobs are so boring though, in my opinion, unless you have a really funky one with lots of layers and stuff. That's what I'm searching for...
Anyway, now that I'm staying up later than I should looking up various hair ideas, I shall stop blogging for now.
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