My Life Right Now

You know what would make a really nice addition to my life right now? Some consistency.

Not consistency in my surroundings, the people around me, or my living situation. That's all stable enough. Consistency with my emotions.

Right now, I'm in a really good place, emotionally. I have felt quite genuinely happy all day. And last night I felt this good as well. Throughout the day yesterday, I felt fine. Not exactly good, but fine. But Monday night through to Wednesday morning, I felt awful.

I didn't want to go to uni. At all. I was really dreading it and getting quite anxious. It was very reminiscent of the way I would most nights & mornings in Year 12. I'd be happy that I was finally home and I'd chill out, do some homework etc. and then I'd think about the next day and fall apart. The fact that I'd been feeling like that this week was distressing to me. I don't want to end up back there. And yes, I keep telling myself things like, "Just go. It'll be fine when you get there. Every other day has been fine and you've gotten through them," and generally, it's true.

It wasn't so true for Tuesday. It was just a yuck day. I felt yuck all day. Yuck because I'm slowly recovering from a cold and yuck because I just felt cruddy. I didn't want to be there at all and nothing there really changed my mind.

All I've really felt like doing lately is sleeping. I have trouble getting to sleep at night and extreme difficulty waking up in the morning. It's not great. Because of this and my cold, I've fallen waaay behind in any kind of exercising. I've been walking, but that's about it. I can't run at the moment cause of my legs, but I'm going to see the Physio soon to get that sorted. Strength workouts have barely been in my mind. I'm not motivated enough yet. I think once I can run again and my cold goes away and my sleeping gets better, I'll do more. I hope so, anyway.

~This is now being written on Friday; before this was written on Thursday~

Yesterday stayed really good. We went grocery shopping (weird, I know, but I find it fun...) and then had dinner out as a family and it was really nice.

Today I had to wake up at 5:30, in the pitch dark, to leave the house at 6:45 to go to uni. Usually I encounter pretty bad traffic, but today there was none. I got to uni early and in a great mood. I really enjoy driving. If it's not super busy and in an area I know and has pretty scenery and I have my music, I'm really happy driving. My day of classes was fine, and then I wrote my assignment for 1.5 hours in the library and drove home.

I drove a very long, round-a-bout way home. It took me an hour instead of 20-30 minutes. I drove through the last two suburbs I lived in. It was really nice. I was driving past all the places I used to go as a kid, where we used to shop, where we used to go for walks, my old school and my last house. It was extremely nostalgic.

I did learn, however, that I need to think of those many memories fondly, but not with sadness. I need to stop wishing I had those times back or wishing that I could live back there instead of here. I mean, those times weren't perfect. And the times here aren't all bad.

I started thinking back to school and I felt... kinda sad for my past self. I don't know why exactly. I think things could have been easier for me if we had realised my anxiety issues earlier, because I'm almost certain I've had this anxiety for many years. Probably the majority of my life. I think it would have made many aspects of high school easier if I'd learnt strategies to deal with it all.

I don't really know what I felt. I thought about life. Deep stuff.

I mean, it can be so touch sometimes. Some days, it's too hard and I'll get to the end of the day and feel some relief that the day has ended, and I just think about the next day and just cannot deal with the fact that another day is coming. Some days are really good. Like yesterday and today. I can just feel good and happy and calm and somewhat... peaceful. But I still don't quite feel like doing the next day. It's just... each day requires so much energy. Energy I don't have. Energy I haven't really had in about 2 years. It's so hard to make it through every day for 2 years with so little energy.

Anyway, I didn't quite intend this post to be so depressing and I'd say sorry, but I'm not sorry, because you can't just pretend and ignore stuff and it can feel good to let it out.

Be Warned: Feminist Rant Ahead

You know what expression I hate? "You run like a girl," or "you throw like a girl" etc. Why does doing something "like a girl" have to be an insult? Why do we make fun of boys with long hair or boys who like pick because they "look like girls"? It frustrates me so much that being a female is of so little value that is is used as an insult for males, to make them feel worse about themselves and make them change to fit the "male stereotype". Seriously. Honestly, I've used similar expressions to this in my life and never really thought about how insulting it was until I grew up more. And, frankly, that's pretty disturbing and upsetting that a young girl with try to tease people (such as her little brothers) by saying they "sound like a girl". That is one of the many subtle ways society teaches young girls that they aren't quite as valued as their male counterparts.

You know what I'm so sick of? Gender stereotypes. Why are certain jobs, hobbies, colours, types of music, foods and drinks, places, activities, cars, houses, plants, instruments seen as feminine or masculine? They are inanimate objects or abstract ideas- they do not have a gender, so why must we propel gender identities onto these things and judge anyone who goes against them? It really seems ridiculous to me that we grow up with certain expectations placed upon us for the sorts of clothes we will wear, the people we will befriend, the subjects we will do, the careers we will choose, the way we will act and that these expectations are based purely on the genetic make-up that we had no choice in. I did not choose to be born female. I have no problem with the fact that I am a female. I have a problem with the fact that I am expected to look, talk, react and be a certain way because of that. No one had a choice in the matter, so it's unfair to expect these things. 

I honestly do feel the pressure of female expectations on a frequent basis. I feel like I am definitely judged on how I look. I feel like I am definitely expected to like certain things and do certain things. I definitely feel the pressure and I'm pretty sick of it.

When I discuss sexism with my family, my father often talks about the fact that he thinks some feminists go too far and end up being sexist towards men. I do agree with him. I feel like a lot of mainstream media can degrade men in similar ways to women. BUT, I do not agree it is ever quite to the same extent. Ever. I don't feel like men have as many mixed messages or as much pressure. I don't think any man will quite truly appreciate that until they can actually be in a woman's shoes. 

I find the over-sexualisation of women as gender completely disgusting. There are few ads, billboards, magazines or catalogues that do not have a woman standing in a somewhat sexualised position. And music videos. Modern music videos really do not sit well with me for that reason. Why is the sexuality of women used to market products? It's not our intelligence, reliability, status or otherwise- it's our appearance, clothing and sexuality. It promotes very poor ideas of self-worth in young women. You begin to judge your self-worth and likeability on your appearance, weight and body shape, which is extremely unhealthy. 

I just get so sick of it all and I honestly hope it gets better. I hope that by the time I have children, they can go into whatever career they want without mention of their gender. I hope that if my daughter wants to be a mechanic, no one will think twice about her gender and that if my son wants to be a ballet dancer, no one will ridicule him for "being a girl". 

I don't mean to sound too negative here. I know that women have made such progress in the quest for equality and it is amazing. I think it's important to recognise that progress, but it's also important to recognise that there is a long way to go and not give up yet.

OK. There's my rant over. For now...

I Cannot Think Of A Name For This Post. Seriously. Nothing.

I thought it might finally be time to start blogging again. I've wanted to for awhile, but I can never think of anything worth blogging about. I don't have much worth blogging about now either, but whatever. I shall talk about the events of my life from Thursday night on.

On Thursday night, I met up with Tenuto Tuo, Phantomess, Miss Invisible and... (this friend hasn't been mentioned on here before and doesn't have a nickname... Hmmm) ____ to see Legally Blonde: The Musical! It was amazing! We got fabulous seats for only $30 and the cast and show were amazing!  Afterwards, I caught the train home with Phantomess and Miss Invisible. It reminded me, again, of how I am really quite different to my friends. Not all the time, but a lot of the time. I mean, since school we've all changed quite a bit in different ways. We've all met different people and gone different ways and have changed. And that's OK. Sometime it can be hard to deal with, but you have to learn that it's OK. And I have learnt that, though sometimes I forget. It's just that sometimes it can feel that everyone else has changed in similar ways and I haven't. Or everyone else has changed and grown up quicker and I'm doing everything slower. Now, I have to keep reminding myself that it isn't a bad thing, but it is hard to think about, of course. I guess it's hard when you're used to a small, tight group at a small school who all kinda have similar lives and spend sooo much time together and suddenly you're all spread out in different places with different people doing different things and only getting together when it fits everyone's schedules. But it's OK. I have a hard time not comparing myself to other people (in pretty much every aspect of my life), but I'm working on it, and that's what is important.

Anyway, I was EXHAUSTED that night when I got home at 11:45pm, but I had to get up around 5:30am the next day (Good Friday) and leave the house by around 7:15ish to drive up Easterfest- a Christian music festival held every year over the Easter long weekend. We dropped my brother off as he was volunteering and then went off to a church service because, well, it was Good Friday. The service was mediocre and made me kinda miss my own church and their more modern music and more interesting, theatrical presentations, but whatever. We went to Maccas and I had the worst ice coffee ever and then we went back to the festival in time to see Relient K (my favourite band in the world) get interviewed. The interview was good and got me very excited for the rest of that day. We had lunch and I went to line up for the Relient K signing. You could only go to specific signings, such as this one, if you had paid about $40 extra for a Premium Upgrade to your ticket. I had used money from my last birthday to buy my ticket, including a Premium Upgrade specifically to go to this signing. I stood in line for about an hour playing solitaire on my phone. Some guys in line had a guitar and played a few Relient K songs, and most of the line sang along, so that was fun. Finally, I was there and got to meet two members of the band (lead singer and lead guitarist) and they signed the first CD I ever owned of theirs. It was amazing. I swear, after that I was on Cloud 9 and I honestly had not felt so happy in a long time. When I'd feel down anytime over the weekend, I'd think of Friday and I'd feel better. I know it's a little cheesy, but I just love this band and their music and the lyrics and I think their music definitely helped me in my Christian journey and it just made me so happy. Anyway, I then saw a friend (who also doesn't have a nickname.... Hmm...) and she took me to see Newworldson, a jazz/blues/funk/soul band who were FANTASTIC! The family and I then went back to the house of some family friends who we were staying with that weekend, dropped off our luggage and got changed into warmer clothes, before heading back for the main concert. We sat there in good seats, ate jacket potatoes and watched some really good performances before Relient K did their performance. Although only two of the members were there (they had three "ring-ins" playing guitar and drums), it was an amazing concert! I had made an internal list of 5 songs I really wanted to hear them play and they played 3, so I was pretty happy! I sang along pretty loudly to everything (except their new songs, which I loved already!) and was very happy. At the end, the lead singer sat down at the keyboard and said he was going to play a hymn in honour of what Easter is really about and it was truly beautiful. It was quiet and lovely and the whole audience was quiet and singing along.

After that we went home and I was truly the happiest I have been in soo very long. I'd say it was one of the best days of my life, actually.

Saturday was also a very gooood day. I didn't really do anything until 11am where I saw The Empty Chair Project, which is where this really great jazz band takes songs of singers at the festivals and "jazzes them up". For example, they will turn a rock or pop song into a swing number and the singer comes up and sings their song with the band. It was very good! I then so my friend and a friend of hers and we went into town (the festival had events going on in cafes and other places throughout the city too) and we went to a little art gallery and got shown around, which was cool. We then went and had lunch before heading back so my friend could go to a forum. I met up with my family and I honestly cannot remember what we did then... Hmm, well, eventually my dad and I went back to the house and got some warm clothes for everyone before heading back where I met up with another nicknameless friend (I might just call her X... really unimaginative but whatever) and the family we'd been staying with. We all sat in my main arena and watched the performances, which were really good. After one concert, X and I left to go have dinner, which was yummy and then sat in this nice tent listening to music and chatting, which was really nice. I don't get to catch up with her much, so it was really really nice. I then went to this thing called the Jazz Supper Club with my parents and family friend and went to watch jazz musicians perform, including James Morrison. The tent was packed and we ended up at the very back, sitting on the floor unable to see. The music was really good, but this event went from 9-11pm and we were all EXHAUSTED so, unfortunately we decided to leave before James Morrison came out. I was really upset at the time, but once we'd gotten back to the house I'd realised it was a very good decision, as I was ready to just pass out from tiredness.

Sunday was pretty laid-back as we were all tired and didn't have much at the festival we wanted to do. We dropped my brother off to volunteer and then went to our family friends' church for our Easter Sunday service, which was quite nice. We had lunch back at their place and mum dropped me, my other brother and the youngest son of this family off at the festival. We met up with my brother and left the two younger kids to go on rides etc. At this point it was lightly raining, by the way. My brother and I, as we had Premium Tickets, went to go to the Premium Only Evermore concert. When we were in line, it started raining heavier and it was quite miserable, but we went to the concert anyway. I'm glad we did, because it was GREAT! Really good. We then ran to find our parents and head home. We stopped off at Maccas for food and drinks, where my brothers and I walked around barefoot as our shoes were soaked. We then made the 1.5 hour journey home.

Overall- a fantastic weekend! It was entirely worth spending my money on and worth the exhaustion I am still feeling today (even though I slept from around 10pm-9:30am).

I now have a week off uni for Mid-Semester Break, and I feel good about that. I know I have work I should do. Assignments and study, but I also have no motivation. Seriously. I'm finding it really hard to muster up the energy and motivation to do any uni work this year. I'm just so tired all the time and it takes so much energy to go into uni and make it through the day. So, when I'm at home and don't have to be there, I have no motivation to do work. I have to keep reminding myself that at the end of next year I want to get into Honours and quite possibly post-grad study after that, but I just can't be motivated. It's pretty frustrating. Frankly, I'm not enjoying uni that much yet this year and it's worrying me, cause I'm getting a lot of the feelings I got back in Year 12 and I really don't want that. Year 12 was pretty much the start of all my issues and I don't want to go back to that. I've been getting better. The end of last year especially showed me just getting better. Now I get worried that I'm slowly slipping back to that place.

But, I do think of a few things I'm better at and it's reassuring. I have made progress. I need to stop comparing my progress to others. I need to stop focusing on the things that are still hard, stressful, anxiety-inducing and depressing. I need to think of the things that are easier; the things that used to be hard, stressful, anxiety-inducing and depressing, but are now less so. That's what's important.