Arachibutyrophobia O_o

Yeah. Say THAT five times quickly. That, my dear blog-readers, is the name for fear of having peanut butter stick to the roof of your mouth. A lovely segue to my post today. Fears! That is the subject of this post, as this day has inspired me. It all started in my spare, in which I was timetabled into my English/Form teacher's room with Anonymous (I shall call her that for the rest of this post, haha). Mr Teacher (Heh) asked everyone in the room to share their fears. Once he got to me I shared mine being a fear of heights and a fear of the phone- including calling people, talking on the phone and answering the phone. He responded telling me that that's an unusual fear. As I said to Anonymous, I have many fears. I guess I am one scared girl. I have always had a big fear of heights. I'm not really sure why. Some people say it's the fear of heights, but the fear of falling. For me, I don't know what it is, I just hate heights. I also, therefore, hate theme park rides. I hate the heights and the speed and the possible sickness etc. I just hate them. People will call me a wuss, or boring, but when I am freaked out, I am stubborn and determined not to go on something that scares the heck out of me. Now, the phone thing. That has got to have something to do with my social phobia. Now, I always knew I was shy, but last year I read up on social phobia and realised that I do have this. I am pretty sure I only have a mild form, but still. I've been thinking it's been getting better lately, but I seemed to take a couple of steps backward today.
Here are some symptoms of social phobia: (with a big bold YES or NO or SOMETIMES next to ones that apply to me)

• Intense worry for days, weeks, or even months before an upcoming social situation. YES
• Extreme fear of being watched or judged by others, especially people you don’t know. YES
• Excessive self-consciousness and anxiety in everyday social situations. SOMETIMES
• Fear that you’ll act in ways that that will embarrass or humiliate yourself. YES
• Fear that others will notice that you’re nervous. YES
• Avoidance of social situations to a degree that limits your activities or disrupts your life. SOMETIMES

- Meeting new people- YES

- Being the centre of attention- YES

- Being watched while doing something- YES

- Making small talk- YES

- Public speaking- YES

- Performing on stage- YES

- Being teased or criticised- YES

- Talking with "important" people or authority figures- YES

- Being called on in class- YES

- Going on a date- N/A

- Making phone calls- YES

- Using public bathrooms- SOMETIMES

- Taking exams- NOT REALLY

- Eating or drinking in public- YES

- Speaking up in a meeting- YES

- Attending parties or social gatherings- YES

I will seriously get nervous meeting up for people at a social gathering, even my closest friends. I will get a quick as heartbeat when going to meet my best friend somewhere. It's so dumb. I cannot give eye contact for my life. Especially when talking to teachers. I cannot look at them in the eyes, or even look at their face for more than like, five seconds without having to look away. I feel so awkward thinking, "Now they think I don't want to look at them! They think I'm being rude and not listening!" So I look at them again and then go, "AH!" and stop looking at them. All this freaking out makes it really hard to focus on, and remember, the important stuff they are trying to tell me. 

I read somewhere about walking with social phobia. If you have a social anxiety disorder, you freak out about walking by yourself and get uber self-conscious. I realised this is SO me. I cannot walk around by myself. I freak out that people are watching me and judging how I'm walking. Then, I focus SO much on how I'm walking, to prevent from looking stupid and, as a result, look stupid. No one was ever watching me, cause no one cares, but it doesn't stop me from freaking out. I hate walking in front of people. I hate walking up to the front of the class while everyone else is sitting down. I always think I can feel everyone's eyes on me, even though no one cares what I'm doing half the time. 

Oral assignments at school are the worst aspect of school for me. Well, one of the worst. I hate them so so so much. I actually go home and freak out and cry and have mini panic attacks just THINKING about it. For my last oral assignment, I had an ugly panic attack-like thing the night I found out we had an oral. We hadn't even received the assignment yet. The night before an oral is never pretty, but I was surprisingly alright this last time. My hands shake, my voice shakes and I hate looking at people. My voice goes a million-miles an hour and my 5 minute speech usually goes for 3 minutes. 

Small talk. That is one area in which I EPIC FAIL. I am awful at talking to people that aren't my close friends or family (close family). Here is how our conversations usually go.

Person: Hi

Me: Hi (heart beat fast, shaky voice, lack of eye contact)

Person: How are you?/ How was your day?

Me: Good

That's it.

On the bus today, I talked to someone from my school, who I don't talk to a lot and for once I actually asked a question. It was more like:

Person: Hi

Me: Hi (thinking, "Come on! Don't be too awkward, man!")

Person: How was your day?

Me: Yeah, pretty good. School, you know. How was yours?

*conversation continued for awhile*  I was pretty proud of myself. But then this afternoon, my progress on that front went out the window. I called a hotel about looking at their venue for the possibility of holding the formal there. This is how I call people:

Type the number into the phone.

Check the number on the phone at least 5 times.

Practice exactly what I'll say.

Check the number again.

Start walking around in circles before finally pressing "Talk"

Once I talked to a woman and waited for another person to pick up, it was an answering machine. Most people would leave a message, but this scares me even more than calling them. Dumb, I know, but true. I can't stand the thought of talking to no one and having them listen to my voice later. I don't like the sound of my voice, and I'm sure they won't either. I'll sound stupid and say awkward dumb stuff, so I never leave messages. 

Also, Anonymous wants to catch the train with me to the city when we go to look at formal venues. I talk to Anonymous pretty regularly. I generally like Anonymous and we get along, but we aren't really friends. I talk to her more than the aforementioned Bus Person. But, for some dumb reason, I am freaking out about sitting on the train with her for half an hour. I hate the thought of having to make small talk for half an hour. I want to sit alone and listen to music and think about the other people on the train, not have to talk to someone awkwardly while avoiding her eye contact. My mum was all, "It's just a half-an-hour trip!" She has a point, but I am really not looking forward to it. At all. See, I felt like I'd made progress on the bus and then lost it all this afternoon with the phone call and the train trip. One step forward, two steps back- that's like, my life at the moment, but that's another post...

Just for interest, I don't mind bugs, at times I like them, but as soon as I see them fly, I freak out. I hate things that fly. I hate moths and, butterflies are pretty, but they fly past so fast and kinda freak me out. I am cool with cockroaches and spiders, but hate flies (and cannot stand being in a small-ish room (like a bedroom) with them and end up spending AGES trying to shoo them out) and flying bugs and I've never really liked birds.

Anyway, I really felt like rambling about my social anxiety. The more I read about it and think about me, the more I realise that I must have some form of it. Definitely not as bad as many cases I have read about, but still. 

WOW. Just read about Generalised Stress Disorder and I have no doubt that I have this. Most definitely. I fit 8 out of 10 of their mentioned symptoms. OK, I should stop reading up on disorders, or I'll start diagnosing myself with everything. I wonder why we do this. I guess it's a good feeling to be able to put a name to something that we feel. I guess I feel better going, "Oh, yeah, I have social anxiety disorder and generalised stress disorder," as opposed to going, "Yeah, I'm shy and freak out a lot." Maybe that's how hypochondriacs see it, they want to be able to put a name to what they think is wrong with them. Is there a name for someone who diagnoses themselves with a lot of mental disorders? 

 Must. Stop. Posting.

This post also screamed for a picture. It was all, "GIVE ME A PICTURE!" and I was all, "ALRIGHT, CHILL" I google image'd "random fear" and this came up... I think Google just loves randomly showing me pictures of ostriches...