我玩长笛

That apparently, according to my good friend, Google Translate, means, "I play the flute," and drawing back on my Chinese-learning history, I think that is correct. Anyway, yes, I do play the flute. It would be pretty pointless to put that as the title if it were a lie. And, to lie in Chinese too! I would not go that far...

When I started attending my current school, back in grade 3, you had to learn violin. You were allowed to choose a different instrument, or quit instrumental altogether (I think...) in grade 4. So, yes, I only had to learn violin for one year. Thank goodness! Now, when played well, the violin really can be a beautiful instrument, but truly, I hated it. I practiced approximately 5 minutes a week, never got better and never wanted to. Truly hated it. I don't really know what compelled me to choose the flute when the time came in grade 4; it was probably because it was girly and pretty. If I hadn't chosen it then, and were starting a brand new instrument now, based on my current personality, I would not choose flute. I'd be all, "Ew. Girly, pretty and high. Um, no" and I'd choose something like Bass Clarinet, maybe saxophone (though I never had an interest in playing sax until about a year and a half ago, but we'll get to that later) or something a little more unusual. But who cares what I'd choose now? I chose flute then and I am so glad I did. I may not like the fact that the mot common flute pieces are pretty and make you picture birds and the fact that a lot of girls like to play flute, but I really do love it.

I've been watching this new anime over the past 2 weeks or so. It is called La Corda D'Oro. It is about a school where the students are divided into being either General-Ed Students, or Music Students. There is a yearly competition called the concours where about 6 Music Students are chosen to be a part of a competition. They have 4 Selections, where they must perform a piece, in front of a large crowd and judges,  fitting into the chosen theme. In this anime, one girl was chosen from the Gen-Ed department and everyone (including her, no- especially her) was all, "LOLWHAT." She didn't even play an instrument. Then, a fairy turned up in front of her and was all, "Hey. This dude saved my life a LONG time ago and I promised I'd bless his school with the gift of music. So, like, here's this magic violin. Anyone can play it. Take and play it and be a part of the concours." She's all, " 0_0", but eventually, she gets into it and gets pretty dang good and learns to really love the violin. Now sure, she encounters issues along the way, like breaking the strings of the violin because of her impatient feelings (Oh, did I neglect to mention that you only really make a good sound with this magic violin if you have warm, positive, music-loving feelings in your heart? Yeah, cheesy, but kinda nice at times) and stuff. Oh, and every guy in the concours-except maybe one, but I can't tell- falls in love with her. You really would think none of them had ever met girls before, but whatever. Anyway, this anime is really good and has been the only thing inspiring me to practice my instruments at all these holidays.

I became pretty serious about my music a few years ago. I considered quitting flute because they had made it a rule that, if you played an instrument, you had to be in the band, and I did NOT want to be in the band. My fun-loving, laid-back, completely un-strict flute teacher left and was replaced with a still fun-loving but less laid-back teacher. She pushed me to actually try and get better, which none of my teachers really had before (especially not the one before, who'd just laugh if I hardly practiced and would smile if I stuffed up). My teacher now does not laugh if you stuff up and would want to kill me if I practiced as little as I used to. But it's good, because she made me actually love my instrument and like playing it. This was year 9, when I became a muso :)
In year 10, I was definitely a muso and towards the end of the year, auditioned for the Flute Ensemble at the local Conservatorium (calling it my "local conservatorium" makes it sound as common as a convenience store, haha) and got in. I also came to really like band. And, in Term 4 that year, I started playing the Tenor Sax. Mainly because I wanted to play something else because a lot of my friends were. Stupid reason, but I'm glad I made that choice.

My love for my music has most certainly dwindled over the past year. Doing 3 exams last year gave me so much pressure, especially the last one- my grade 5 flute exam. I just wanted to be good and not have to put in so much work. I still do. But it doesn't work that way, unfortunately. At the end of last year, I would DREAD going to my flute lessons because I would get yelled at if it wasn't good enough and compared to the other flautist in my group. Actually, she always has compared the two of us because we both play flute and saxophone and are at similar levels. I don't want to be her competition though, because we get along quite well, but whatever.

This year, I just have had no motivation. My lessons worry me and somewhat, scare me, because I feel I'm never as good as my teacher wants me to be. Band has become less fun because, as section leader of the flute section, and one of the oldest, and therefore leaders, of the band, there is a lot of pressure to get it right and I don't, most of the time. I go home and never want to practice. If I do practice, I'll stuff up and get depressed because it's not good enough. It's never good enough. Even if my teacher says it's good, it's not always good enough for me.

I've learnt something though, over the past few months or so. I don't want my music to become a hassle and a chore. Sometimes I just go, "You know what? I really feel like playing my flute," and I'll get it out and play for half-an-hour and feel good. If I don't feel like it, however, I won't play for long, I'll get frustrated, angry, pull my hair out and cry, because it's not good enough. Then I won't practice. Then I'll get worse. So I won't practice. It's a vicious cycle. I don't want it to become like that at all. I want to love playing the flute.

I like tenor saxophone too, but I don't love it. I don't know why, but it doesn't give me as much joy. It also doesn't give me as much stress, since it's my second instrument. I like it and I want to be better, but I don't have the wish to get better as much as I do with flute.

Watching La Corda D'Oro has made me want to be so good at flute but again, I still don't want to practice. I want to just be able to pick it up and play it and play really beautiful music. But I can't yet. Maybe someday, after I've finished school, after I've finished the pressure of exams with school, when I am able to play without any pressure at all, I will be able to pick up my flute and just play and do this beautiful instrument justice. I hope so.

Isn't it pretty?  :)